Bisexuals Married to Asexuals In a Mixed-orientation Marriage

Asexual spouses in a mixed-orientation marriage married to a bisexual husband or bisexual wife have some unique opportunities for success. The non asexual person is often refered to as  allosexual. Typically when one partner is allosexual with a higher sex drive and the other is asexual with little or no interest in sex there are several challenges. One common challenge is finding ways for the allosexual spouse to get their sexual needs met. Sometimes the allosexual spouse can be happy with the more platonic aspects of the relationship. Perhaps cuddling is enough. Other couples balance differences in sexual needs through masturbation. Sometimes the asexual spouse has enough interest in sex to keep the allosexual spouse happy. Still others arrange for some sort of outside sexual partners for sexual satisfaction.

Sexual desire is on a continuum just like many other aspects of our sexuality. Sometimes the sexual needs of the asexual spouse and allosexual spouse are compatible enough to work out just fine. In any case I find the ideal asexual mixed-orientation marriage is one where both the husband and wife are happy in their relationship.

Accepting asexuality

Our society has become much more accepting of asexuality. This is somewhat a result of greater acceptance of people with gay , bisexual, and lesbian sexual attraction. With that acceptance has come greater acceptance of sexuality in general. One social worker I know describes asexuality as a version of bisexuality . These asexuals say they are sexually not interested in more than one gender. One asexual told me she is actually bisexual because her attraction to men and women is the same. She goes on to say ” I am equally unattracted to all genders”. Makes sense that asexuality is taking its proper place in the spectrum of human sexuality.

The increased acceptance of asexuality and the variations in sexual desire means women are now speaking up. Sex was once considered the wife’s duty. Every human being should practice their sexuality as suites themselves not as others demand. A man or woman not interested in sex has every right to say “no thank you” . Everyone of every sexuality needs to respect an honor each others sexuality.

Like any marriage or relationship there needs to be a discussion about degrees of sexual desire. Open and honest discussions might include which genders , how much desire, sexual turn ons and turn offs etc . I believe couples of all sexualities should discuss their differences earlier in the relationship. Comfort with talking about asexuality is a recent social development. Some couples are married in asexual mixed-orientation marriages for decades before having the discussion about their asexuality. The delay in this discussion is similar to the late in life disclosure of gay, bi and lesbian sexual orientation.

Honey I’ve been thinking!

I write about the “I’ve been thinking” coming out by bisexual husbands in asexuality and mixed-orientation marriage in Mixed-Orientation Marriage Pathways to Success. In other words as the asexual spouse becomes more comfortable in their asexuality the sexuality in the relationship often decreases. The bisexual spouse with diminished sexual satisfaction starts thinking about that. With the unmet needs with their opposite gender spouse they often start thinking about their unmet same sex sexual needs. This can create the beginning of a conversation about balancing sexual needs.

It does seem like a lot of asexual wives find themselves married to gay and bisexual men. I suspect it is because right from the first date these gay and bisexual men have a kinder gentler way of handling sexuality. One asexual women I know married to gay husband said ” He wasn’t always pressuring me to have sex like other men and I liked that about him ” Well no wonder! Of course the increased awareness of being asexual in mixed-orientation marriages may also be because communication tends to improve in these relationships anyway.

Asexual mixed-orientation marriages with bisexual or gay partners have unique opportunities for success.

When both the gay or bisexual allosexual husband and the asexual wife are in the same relationship there are some opportunities for both the husband and wife to find their respective pathways to success. There is a subset of bisexuality where the bisexual has emotional interest in one gender and sexual interest in another gender .

Imagine the asexual wife with no interest in sex having a wonderful gay or bisexual husband who can get their sexual satisfaction with another person. Open relationships are not for everyone. One common response from asexual wives with bisexual husbands is that their husbands male friends with benefits are less threatening than if their husbands were getting theirs sexual needs met with another woman. Of course adding another person to a relationship presents its own challenges so I do want to mention that finding solutions to mixed-orientation relationship challenges can often be helped by a professional counselor .

Dual mixed-orientation marriages when both spouses have differing sexualites may be more complicated than those with just one bisexual spouse. That said I also believe that when looked at with an open mind there are actually components that can work quite well together. Like many mixed-orientation marriages we fall in love with who we fall in love with. When sexual orientations don’t match or degrees of sexual desire don’t match, couples need to decide if everything else is so perfect that they will work through the differences in sexualities. I hope what I write helps some of those couples realize there is more than one pathway to happiness.

This entry was posted in Mixed-Orientation Marriage and tagged asexuality, married bisexual, mixed-orientation marriage on November 17, 2019.