The biggest challenges writing about mixed-orientation marriages is the lack of the back and forth in reading a book that is found naturally with a verbal conversation. This lack of reflexivity inherent in the reading of a book or web page is especially noticeable due to the effect of time. Reading Mixed Orientation Marriage Pathways to Success the first day after coming out or discovering ones spouse is bisexual some chapters will be very relevant but others are more suitable for those who have processed their situation for some time. When they read those same passages after a year those troubling chapters in the early days may now seem more relevant while the early chapters may fall in the “duh” why is he even writing about this.
Talking about mixed-orientation marriage dynamics one on one over coffee or dinner or in a group discussion I can see the facial expressions and hear verbal feedback and judge the relevance of what I said accordingly. In verbal conversation it is easy for me to tell very quickly where someone is at, the problem with a 60 page book is someone might miss the part where I say both have to want to make a MOM work, or a personal counselor is very important or support groups can help or there needs to be compatible belief systems or the relationship dynamics have to be compatible.
In short mixed-orientation marriages dynamics are complicated with a lot of variables that affect the likelihood of success. This off the top of my head list highlights just some of the most noticeable challenges I found in trying to write a book and web site about Mixed-orientation Marriages .
A few of the challenges writing about mixed-orientation marriages.
- There can be differences in dynamics depending upon if the bi spouse discloses their same sex attraction or it is discovered.
- Was there disclosure before marriage or was it 5 ,10, 20 30, 50 years later.
- Were there opportunities to disclose and didn’t, how many times? Why?
- Was there same sex activity? Before marriage? After?
- Did sexual activity endanger the spouses health , did they actually get a STD, HIV?
- Did we know we were bi or gay when we married or did we just discover it ourselves?
- How long did we know before disclosure or discovery?
- Did the bi, gay,lesbian or other sexual orientation result in less sexual activity then the other spouse wanted?
- If caught was it simply nude pictures on the computer screen? or did the wife/ husband walk in on sex with someone in the marital bed?
- Then there is the whole blank canvas moment. Did the bi , gay, lesbian spouse marry the right person even with differing sexualities or has this been horrible mistake and time to ride off into the sunset and live the gay life?
- Does the straight spouse want to make it work?
- Is there a desire by both the husband and wife to stay married ?
- How strong is the bond ? Are we best friends? Is this who we love spending our days with?
- What is our conflict resolution style? Are we friends and partners and we will figure this out or are we acting like bitter enemies with no desire to find common ground?
- How sexual is our spouse and does their level of sexual desire meet our needs and wishes.
- Is there a need for a relationship with another person? Is the need sexual or emotional or both and what are the spouses feelings?
- Does the straight spouse have needs for another relationship and what are the the bi,gay, lesbian spouses feelings?
- What type of sexual behavior does the bi,gay, or lesbian spouse need to be happy and is the other spouse OK with that?
- What are the views of monogamy , are they fixed , can they be changed?
- Can we be patient while our spouses figure this out? Will they figure it out before we run out of patience?
- Can our spouses be patient while we figure it out before they run out of patience ?
- This can be a very long process and I know of no way to know what will happen until the process has gone through.
- There is no magic if you do this, this will happen.
- Do we identify as lesbian, gay, bi or other or still figuring it out? Sexual orientation plays a role but gay men can be happily married to women and lesbian women can be happily married to a man and even bi guys may need to be single to live a happy life.
- What kind of others do we need in our life?
- Do we want to be out? might that change?
- Do our spouse want us out, might that change?
- Who do we want to be out to? Does it make a difference?
- Are we in an environment where we can be out?
- If there is an outside partner what is the sexual scenario: threesomes, away from home, afternoon delight or gay getaways.
- One special person or a collection of friends of the moment or Friends with benefits or something else?
- Some spouses say play all you want I want to be there some say just don’t do it here and does that fit both spouses relationship styles.
- Then there is do we integrate our lesbian, bi,gay identities or separate into a parallel universe or some of each?
- Communication styles, who likes to talk about “The situation” who doesn’t?
- Is there acceptance ? Can that change.
- Silent processors or verbalizer?
- Sharing style, Lots of secrets or overly transparent?
- Does our sharing style match our spouses sharing style?
- What are the straight spouses feelings about lesbians, gays and bisexuals
- What are the gay,bi or lesbian spouses feelings about being gay, bi or lesbian.
A huge challenge has been accounting for all the mixed-orientation marriage variations. There are some subtle and some not so subtle differences in relationship dynamics with Mixed-orientation relationships bisexual husbands straight wives , bisexual wives and straight husbands, gay husbands with bisexual partners , lesbian wives with bisexual partners , relationships with one spouse is bisexual and the other is asexual, and relationships with one spouse into kink and one vanilla. I even gave some thought to using some sort of AI (artificial intelligence) to create a realtime custom book targeted to a more specific readers needs.
The reason I have written what I have with all these challenges writing about mixed-orientation marriages is the lack of a positive role model and all the negative voices made me sad. When I came out I was so desperate for an example of How a Mixed-orientation marriage could work. My own personal solution exceeded my wildest dreams.
This entry was posted in Mixed-Orientation Marriage and tagged mixed-orientation marriage on March 11, 2019.