Bisexuals in Open Marriages

Concurrent bisexuals in a mixed orientation marriage have unique opportunities for creating wonderful open marriages and relationships. A concurrent bisexual has emotional or sexual needs from more than one gender at a time. There are all kinds of concurrent bisexuals. Some have all their emotional needs met from one gender and sexual needs from another. Sometimes most of their emotional and sexual needs are met by their spouse but there is just something more that is best met by others with a different gender than their spouse.

One solution to mixed-orientation marriages with unmet needs is an open marriage where one or both spouses enjoy the synergy that comes from having other people to share sexual or emotional connections with. Open marriages and relationships are not for everyone and are often guided by personal beliefs about the role of monogamy or ethical non monogamy in a relationship. Oftentimes one spouse will be more open about having other relationships than the other and that presents challenges to the ideal win win solution. It is not my desire to change minds or belief systems and there is no one correct solution to mixed-orientation marriage needs, I simply want to present some opportunities for success when a couple is in agreement that perhaps an open marriage or relationship can help.

When both the husband and wife agree there are benefits to an open marriage or relationship there are tremendous opportunities for success.

The focus of this article is when both the husband and the wife are open to the idea of ethical non monogamy and have a shared interest in the open marriage solution for one or for both as their needs might require. Open relationships seem to be helped the more open one is about sexuality in general. This is sometimes refered to as being “sex positive”. Our sexuality is on a spectrum. Some people are more open to adventures in sexuality than others and that's OK. Obviously marriages with a strong belief in monogamy are not as suited for the open relationship model as those with a sex is like a hug mindset. I’ll be the first to say these relationships can add complications to a relationship but they can also be richly rewarding and solve a common dilemma of how to maintain a happy marriage when there are unmet needs. For some the answer is to fill those additional needs and everyone ends up in a happier place. Since open relationships are not the standard of traditional relationships they require a mindful discussion.

Types of open marriage solutions include parallel relationship solutions, shared relationship solutions and elements of combining the two. Using a mixed orientation marriage with a bisexual husband and a straight wife as an example In the parallel solution the wife wants the bisexual husband to get his bisexual needs met but does not want to be involved with the other person.In a parallel solution the husband is happily married to his wife and the husband has some sort of other relationship with another male. This can be anything from a casual hookup, a long term friend with benefits or a more meaningful committed relationship. All are viable options and the details are something to be worked out between all involved. In this solution the wife may or may not have her own outside relationship.

In the shared relationship solution both the husband and wife have a relationship with the third person. If the third person is bisexual perhaps the relationship is both sexual and emotional with both , perhaps just sexual friends or perhaps one is best freinds with a sexual relationship with one and just best friends with the other. In a gay husband or lesbian wife shared solution it is more likely that the same gender members of the triad has a sexual relationship while the third person has more of a friendship with the opposite gender person. Again there are always exceptions. The open mixed-orientation marriage that has both the husband and wife open with the same third person can really work out very well . I hear more success stories when it is the husband who is bi and the third person is truly a bisexual male but obviously every other combination can work as well.

I have seen other couples where the third person bisexual friend becomes best friends with both the husband and wife and they share sexual activity together. Finding the ideal bisexual third partner is such a challenge that they are sometimes referred to as “unicorns”. I do take exception to the way “unicorn hunting” is often portrayed as a bad thing. When the right three personalities are combined these shared relationships can be some of the most loving and sexually satisfying relationships I have seen. In these relationships sometimes it is always the three together and other times there are times when each pair in the triad gets to spend time individually. This is the role of agreements to shape boundaries and the nature of the open relationship. Interestingly I have seen a marriage with the husband who has a bisexual friend with benefits away from home that the wife is not involved with while the wife integrates an emotional relationship with a woman into both the husbands and their day to day lives. The love the wifes friend shares between the three even if platonic falls more under the poly umbrella than the FWB. These are just a few examples of the variety of types of open relationships. I have heard too many variations to count but have seen enough to know that successful open relationships are a valuable addition to the mixed-orientation marriage toolbox.

Other resources: Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships by Tristan Taormino.

Posted 8/16/21 in #Mixed-Orientation Marriage #Open Marriage