Friends and Family Coming Out in their Mixed Orientation Marriages

We are seeing greater acceptance of variations in sexual orientation and gender identity. This has opened the door to increased visibility of our bisexual, gay,lesbian and transgender friends, family, neighbors and coworkers. With this increased visibility has come greater awareness of successful mixed orientation marriages and relationships.

Perhaps your best friend has just shared with you they are bisexual. Maybe your straight friend tells you that their husband is gay. During small talk a coworker mentions their lesbian wife. While home for the holidays your Uncle has just come out of the closet and you are wondering about that. It is not unusual for friends to come out these days but when these friends are married to someone with a different sexual orientation or gender identity many of us simply don’t have enough examples in our lives of how wonderful these relationships can be. A common response is “I didn’t know a happy marriage like that was even possible. ” Or “Mixed Orientation Marriage What?”

Most of my writings about mixed orientation marriages and relationships are directed towards the husbands and wives who are actually living with a gay husband, lesbian wife or bisexual husband or wife but as we become more visible our friends, family and neighbors need to know more about mixed orientation marriages too.

Mixed Orientation Marriage

A mixed-orientation marriage is a relationship where the spouses do not share the same sexual orientation. There are many variations. Most commonly one spouse is gay or bisexual and one is straight. Mixed-orientation marriage also happen with a lesbian or gay spouse and a straight spouse, or asexual spouse and a sexual spouse. In short the person we fall in love with and wish to spend the rest of our days with does not always match our sexual orientation or our gender identity may not fit the societal expectations. When two people in a relationship have differing sexual orientations or gender identities this creates what is commonly known as a mixed orientation relationship. When married it is known as a mixed orientation marriage or MOM.

It is important to understand that mixed orientation relationships come in many different varieties and one should not make any assumptions about what this means. Some gay husbands are just bi enough to really want to be married to their wives. Some bisexuals are totally monogamous and say they fall in love with the person and not the gender. It is true that some bisexuals truly need more than the gender of their husband wife or partner but again marriages that include some sort of accommodation of same sex needs that is done with love acceptance and understanding happily by all involved should have no effect on how we live our lives.

Sharing in a Coming Out Story is an Honor

Variations in sexual orientation is something to be celebrated. You should be honored that this aspect of your friend, family member or coworker has been shared with you. Coming out is a rite of passage that virtually every LGBTQ+ (Lesbian,Gay,Bisexual,Transgender,Queer Plus Others) person has to go through. I wish it wasn’t so but a society that repressed this important part of who we are means that some people don’t come out until much later in life.

It is important to realize that the nuts and bolts of the sexuality of our sexual orientation is private.It does not matter if someone’s husband is gay straight or bisexual. What goes on in the bedroom is private but friends and family who live out and authentically simply want you to know who they really are . When you meet a heterosexual friend you don’t ask what their sex life is like. We should exhibit the same courtesy to our gay lesbian and bisexual friends.

My hope is that more bisexuals will come out of the closest and share with their friends and family how their relations not only work but are wonderful loving relationships just like everyone else. It will only be through positive role models that society will begin to understand that relationships can work with all kinds of sexualities and gender variations. In the end we fall in love with who we fall in love with. Everything else can be made to work. I hope that as we become more visible the response to discovering a mixed orientation relationship will be “Oh cool I know lots of happy couples in mixed orientation marriages. “

I write more about coming out in a mixed orientation marriage in the Coming Out chapter of Mixed-Orientation Marriage Pathways to Success

Originally Posted at Livingfabulous.org December 16, 2014 updated and moved here December 11,2016