Open Marriage: An Option for Mixed-Orientation Marriage Couples

An open marriage or open relationship is a marriage or relationship where all involved mindfully and with honesty and integrity decide that a sexual and/or emotional relationship with others outside the relationship might enhance their lives. When the individuals in a marriage achieve self actualization and maximum joy with life this can often make them better partners in their relationships. Open relationships are an advanced relationship style that require a solid relationship foundation and excellent communication skills.  They should not be considered an  instant cure for troubled marriages nor are they the solution for every mixed-orientation marriage . 

When the bisexual, gay, lesbian or straight spouse in a mixed-orientation relationship has unmet sexual or other relationship needs sometimes the pathway to success comes by agreeing to open the marriage to include additional sexual partners or relationships.  Open marriages and relationships can work if both partners with love and understanding decide that adding another person or persons might help their relationship and enrich their lives. They work best when they are done with mutual love and understanding.

Consensual and Ethical Non-Monogamy

Open marriages and relationships are often broadly described as consensual non monogamy (CNM) or ethical non-monogamy (ENM). This reflects the element of honesty and enthusiastic consent. Within the broad category of open marriages there are casual hookups, swinging, friends with benefits, polyamory, triads , platonic romance , sex for recreation and countless other versions of ways to experience ethical non monogamy and open relationships. Many of these styles of non- monogamy can have overlapping traits with each other and sometimes a relationship will evolve from one type to another.

Each couple will have their own relationship preferences and situations so part of the discussion will be what will work best for them. Questions to be answered include is the goal for just an emotional relationship or for friendship? Is it just a sexual friend with-benefits type relationship? Or is it both romantic and sexual relationship?, or some other variation? Is this relationship going to be integrated into both the husband’s and wife’s day-to-day lives?, or is it a split /parallel relationship where never the two lives shall meet, or something in between?

The evolution of a marriage to an open marriage involves a complex interaction of belief systems for all involved and not every mixed-orientation marriage or relationship is suited for an open relationship. It is also important to remember that our sexual orientation as a lesbian,gay, or bisexual person and our relationship style living a monogamous, non-monogamous,  or open life are two separate aspects of who we are even though they are also often connected .

Sometimes as we gain a better understanding of our sexual orientation we also take a renewed look at the type of relationships that work best for ourselves and our marriages. This is a chapter for those who are comfortable having a conversation about open marriages, and if you are not comfortable with this topic, skip it for now.

If a couple decides to add a friend with benefits, partner, or other type of outside relationship, there will be a variety of important decisions that need to be discussed by the husband, wife or partner. There are a wide variety of relationship choices when we add others and this variety includes the degree of openness. Just as there is not just one type of monogamy, and monogamy is defined in different ways by different people, there are also variations in types of open relationships.

Polyamory as a mixed-orientation relationship solution.

Some mixed orientation marriage open relationship options are well suited for one of the many types of polyamory relationships. Polyamory is sometimes just shortened to poly as in “I’m poly” or “I'm in a poly relationship“. Polyamory literally means “many love” however some believe that being poly can be as much about our sexuality as it is about how and who we love. It seems like there are as many different ways of describing what it means to be poly as there are people who are poly.

Psychology Today uses this helpful definition: “Polyamory , consensual non-monogamy, is the practice of having multiple intimate relationships, whether sexual or just romantic, with the full knowledge and consent of all parties involved. Polyamory is generally not gender-specific; anyone can have multiple partners of any gender.” (Psychology Today 2019) . I prefer this open ended definition of polyamory that includes all different levels of romantic and sexual interests between more than two people as long as it is done with integrity, consent and ethically.

Some in the poly community debate the differences between friends with benefits and poly partners. The reality is that  depending upon the nature of the relationship between the friends  the lines can get quite blurred. While mixed orientation marriage couples will often describe their bi spouse's friend as a friend with benefits, that type of relationship may also fit nicely under the poly umbrella. As Psychology Today’s writers and others highlight there are now those who feel poly is more inclusive of different types of relationships .

Many people can have meaningful relationships with each other while not identifying the relationship in romantic or love terms. Over the years there is a better understanding of the complexity of our relationships and the poly umbrella has become much more inclusive. There is a general consensus that our identities are ours to define, and many people have broadened what it means to them to be part of the poly community. To me, to be poly is to recognize that we can have more than one kind or relationship with more than one other person openly, honestly and with integrity. Noted author on open relationships Triston Tarinimo says “ Polyamorous relationships may encompass friendship, companionship, support, camaraderie, love,intimacy,connection, commitment. “ She goes on to say “ All that said having an active sex life with more than one person isn't a bad thing” (Taormino 2008). If a poly relationship can encompass friendship and a poly relationship can include sex than it seems to me that if our friends feel like they are in a poly relationship than it is one.

Variations on the Triad theme

A popular in theory ,yet challenging in reality, mixed orientation marriage relationship solution is both  the straight spouse and the bi, gay or lesbian spouse having a relationship with the same other person. In this type of relationship the bi spouse has a relationship with a friend or partner that is also friends or in a relationship  with their straight spouse. This could be both a romantic and a sexual relationship but it can also be just an emotional relationship with one and just a sexual or sexual and romantic relationship with the other. These triads can be casual or some become deeply committed even sharing living arrangements. Some of these triads might consider themselves as a poly relationship but others do not.

My own observation of the triad dynamic is there are so many moving parts and the odds of them all fitting are a bit like winning the lottery. If you feel you want pursue the idea of a triad relationship please read everything you can, listen to every podcast you can find and then move forward ethically and kindly.        

Three person relationships can be extremely complex and the ones I have seen work best are those that evolve organically from existing friendships and relationships. Couples should be very careful about the "Hey lets go find us a third" solution. This is known in poly circles as "unicorn hunting" ( often a female third but sometimes any gender) or "dragon hunting"(a male third)  and there are serious ethical considerations to this type of approach. Each of the three people in a triad need to consider the feelings and needs of the others and it is all too easy for the established couple to mistreat the added person. Clear communication is essential even for casual sexual hookup type friends. While it is understandable that the husband and wife of 30 years will prioritize their relationship with each other they must also insure they are ethical in meeting the needs of the other person. Ideally no one should feel like they are just a third. I believe that there are unique circumstances in mixed-orientation relationships that allow triads to work in an ethical and fair way for all involved but it requires mindfulness and great care in the process. In spite of these challenges I have seen enough successful triad relationships work to know they are a possible solution.

Another solution is for two couples to join together, which sometimes works nicely. I have even seen two couples who have integrated all four into each other’s lives with an occasional fifth who is also married but has chosen to split the two. We simply need to be aware of the dynamics and not create a situation with a track record for failure.

Casual or Recreational Solutions

Sometimes the bi spouse is simply looking to satisfy bisexual sexual urges and their needs  really are just some casual or recreational sex. These can be more casual friends with  benefits situations where it really is more about sharing mutual sexual pleasure than anything else. Of course even the most casual hookup can develop into a friendship. Think about how some of  our non sexual friendships started; perhaps a simple hello, a conversation over a cup of coffee, or perhaps just standing in the same line!

Sometimes both spouses are into more casual recreational sexual play and if both spouses agree sometimes satisfaction can come from lifestyle or swingers parties. While some of these events are quite casual other times friendships do develop. It is important to recognize that bisexual men are not always welcome at swinger events so check each situation in advance. While on the topic of sex just for recreation a sizable minority of bisexual men don't want intimacy with a guy they  are simply  looking for sexual release with a another guy who understands these basic needs. I have seen many examples of bisexual men who are perfectly happy simply sharing mutual masturbation with a friend. I write more about this in my blog post Shades of Bisexuality – Men Sharing the Joys of being Men

Some Examples of Relationships found in Mixed-Orientation Marriages

We have covered a lot so it might help to see some examples. These names are not real names they are for example purposes only.

Sally is a straight wife married to her bisexual husband Bill. Bill has a male bisexual friend with benefits Jack . Sally is happy that her husband Bill has his friend Jack but the wife is not part of a relationship with Jack.  This is known as a parallel or parallel poly relationship. This might also be considered Mono/ Poly if the wife chooses to remain monogamous while embracing the husband's poly relationship with friend Jack .  Often this type of mixed-orientation relationship is maintained as hierarchical in that Sally's husband's relationship with Jack is hierarchical because Bill’s wife Sally is a primary to Bill  and Bills friend Jack is a secondary. This works because Jack has a primary relationship with his wife Jane. Also this type of relationship is sometimes known as a Poly Vee. In that Sally and Bill have a relationship and Bill and Jack have a relationship but Sally and Jack do not. In this case in poly circles the husband Bill might be known as the hinge partner. You might see Bill’s friend Jack referred to as Sally's metamour. A metamour is our partner's partner.

Bill is a happily married poly person who has had Jack as his same friend with benefits for 15 years. They are dear friends but not in love. To me this looks like the perfect example of hierarchical poly relationship. Basically Sally enjoys a sexually monogamous relationship with her bisexual poly husband Bill. Bill’s bisexual friend Jack is happily married to his monogamous wife Jane. What makes this a wonderful poly relationship is everyone knows about and accepts everyone else's role. Sally,Bill, Jack and Jane do not have any other relationships so this is an example of a CLR or a closed loop relationship. The theory behind a closed loop relationship is that by limiting the sexual contact to one’s spouse and their friend who is also limiting their contact to their spouse it is safer than random hookups. A closed loop relationship requires a great deal of trust in the behavior of others in the loop. In a poly relationship this arrangement could be closed but it could also just be part of a more complex relationship arrangement.

Some use the emotional connections as a defining characteristic of their relationship instead of romantic. In this example Sally also has an intimate platonic relationship with another friend Mary who is also intimate platonic friends with Sally’s husband Bill . Sally Bill and Mary have what is known as a "kitchen table poly" relationship.

In the triad solution mentioned above Sally and Bill agree they are going to open their relationship. In the parallel solution Bill meets John but Sally is never really part of Bill and John's friendship , in fact in some mixed-orientation marriages they might never even meet.  In the triad solution Bill meets a new friend John and brings him home to meet Sally. At this point  this is simply Sally having dinner with a metamour as there is no relationship or expectation of one between Sally and John.   They have dinner and Sally really likes John, in fact its hard to say who of the three is having a better time. The three spend more time together and a relationship organically evolves. Sally might just stay really good  platonic friends with John while John and Bill also have a sexual relationship, in fact John might just stay a  metamour but the lines can easily start to blur. In  a few success stories John , Bill and Sally end up in a sexual and romantic relationship and all three live happily ever after.   This type of triad success  is the exception most people find triads the most difficult of all the solutions .

The branches of a poly relationship tree can get quite complex but they are full of opportunities for personal growth and to live a best life. The people in a poly relationship for example Sally, Bill,Jack,Jane and Mary are what is known as a polycule or pod.

Matching Solutions to your Relationship Style 

Our decisions about different relationship dynamics often have an impact on how well different types of relationships will work. If the gay, lesbian or bisexual life is going to be split off from the marriage life, then usually the bi,gay or lesbian partner needs to divide their time between the straight spouse and their bi,gay or lesbian friends. I believe that, to work, the married spouse and family should take priority, and there needs to be an understanding by the outside partner that things come up. Attending a son’s school play should take priority over drinks with the special friend. When the friend also has a spouse and family, they understand these priorities and have other people in their life. This also goes a long way toward eliminating jealousy because everyone involved has an “other” in their life. I recommend that those who will not be integrating the third person into their day-to-day lives stick with other out married husbands or wives or a partner who is in an open gay, lesbian, or bisexual relationship already. A married person seeing a single person could create some sort of hurt feelings somewhere along the line because the single person will never get 100% of the attention from the married bisexual or gay spouse. Obviously, there are exceptions, but issues with the dynamics between single bi, gay, and lesbian persons and their married partners are common, and one needs to be thoughtful of these considerations before entering that type of relationship.

The goal is to choose a relationship style that matches the situation. A single bisexual person is ideal when the mixed-orientation couple wants to integrate the third person into the existing couple’s day-to-day life. This is an ideal situation for a bisexual single person because they now have a full-time relationship that can thrive. Of course, it requires a special person because both the straight partner and the gay, lesbian, or bisexual partner need to like or love this third person enough to be part of both their lives. I’ve seen it happen often enough to know it’s possible. A variation to this solution is a bisexual married to an asexual spouse whose spouse wants them get their bisexual needs met outside the marriage connects with a married bisexual whose spouse wants to be part of the experience. This can create the classic win win for everyone involved.

 

This assessment of open relationship options is one that I don’t expect all readers to agree with, but I have seen so many hurt feelings when bad relationship choices have been made that I would like readers to at least consider various options for defining the relationship style that best fits their mixed-orientation marriage. In other words, choose your friends wisely.

When one is Monogamous and the other is Poly or Open

Mixed orientation marriages where the bi, gay or lesbian spouse has an open marriage with the opportunity for poly relationship with another while the straight spouse chooses to remain monogamous is a mono/poly or mono/open structure . This often happens in mixed orientation marriages where one partner is a concurrent bisexual with needs from more than one gender and the other is perfectly happy with their spouse. The mono/poly or mono /open structure is also a viable solution when one is asexual and the other has higher needs for sexual satisfaction which with mutual agreement is best met by others. As I write in the chapter on asexuality this is a common win/win solution for couples with mismatched sexual desires.

One common issue I see come up in open relationship discussions is the bi, gay, or lesbian partner wants a same-sex relationship but is not willing to grant the straight partner the freedom to add someone to meet their needs too. Fairness dictates that opening up a relationship be done with equal opportunities. The other spouse should also have the freedom to choose the nature of their outside relationship. One spouse may have sexual needs while the other might have more emotional needs. An asexual straight spouse may not want a sexual friend with benefits but a intimate best friend they can connect with and share activities with might add happiness to their life. The bisexual, gay lesbian spouse may have same sex needs while the straight spouse has needs from another like minded straight friend. Some straight spouses simply want to know what sex is like with another straight person. It is important that a mono/poly or mono/open relationship is that way by free choice and not an effort to make a mono/mono or poly/poly solution mono/poly against ones wishes. (Polyamory Today , 2021). While a mono/poly relationship has its challenges it is a good solution for many mixed-orientation relationships.

Putting the ethical in ethical non monogamy

Another consideration for discussion is the openness of any potential friend in their relationships with their husband, wife or partner. Consensual non-monogamy should be a given in our own relationships but we will often run into others who are not in open relationships in their marriages. The potential devastation to the straight spouse from the discovery of same sex attraction as a result of a secret sexual relationship with someone who is not out to their spouse is so great that some couples require as part of their agreement that any friends also be out to their spouse. It is not cheating if everyone involved with love and understanding is aware and accepts whats going on. Ethical and consensual non monogamy means the journey into having other sexual or other types of relationships happens ethically with good honest communication and ideally enthusiastic consent about whats going on.

Negotiating boundaries and agreements.

There is no doubt that open relationships are complicated. Many couples choose to create an agreement about the nature of the relationship as well as set out sexual and emotional boundaries.

These agreements can cover everything from who, where, when, and what of our relationships. I suggest they be more about the spirit of the nature of what is expected than the details. An agreement with too many details is always subject to the okay-by-omission problem. The agreement could be ten pages long and cover every possible detail except the one that causes the meltdown, but it didn’t say anything about meeting people at the supermarket. Agreements help make sure the couple has a meeting of the minds. Agreements should be living documents, as thoughts about what constitute a wonderful relationship will change and it is important to be willing to adjust with that change. An example of the openness to change occurred with the emergence of the new corona virus and the dynamics of social distancing. There are some great books that cover the nuts and bolts of open relationships in detail. One popular book is Tristan Taormino’s Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships (2008).

Emotional Challenges and Opportunities in Open Relationships

Waiting for the heart to catch up.

An important consideration in discussing open relationships is there is often a difference between intellectual understanding of the needs for other relationships and the emotional response. I have seen couples happily go through the process of deciding the kind of open relationship they want and then when they put the process in motion realize that there is an emotional conflict or they are not s ready as they thought.

”Yes I agreed to the concept of an open marriage but I didn't mean today!”

A common example is a couple deciding to open the relationship and that very afternoon the husband has three dating profiles on the apps or the wife is off having coffee with a potential friend with benefits. This eagerness is often a trigger to the emotions of reality. Staying on the happy side of the happy point versus hard boundaries I write about in the chapter on the line in the sand can be helpful in understanding the importance of baby steps so that emotions can catch up. These situations are often described as raging adolescence or a kid in a candy store. These reactions are understandable. The bi,gay or lesbian spouse feels like they have a lifetime to catch up on but the straight spouse is just cracking the door open. The cognitive approach to living says be aware of this and cool it.

Jealousy and Compersion

Compersion, That is experiencing joy from our partners happiness  even if it comes from others , is a wonderful concept if we can master it. Compersion  is more than the opposite of jealousy.  Its a gift we can give ourselves and our partners but not everyone has the mindset to put it into practice. Instead jealousy and fear of losing your spouse to someone else is a common reaction. This is often based on fear. There is a range of attachment styles in relationships , in some relationships there is no jealousy because its understood that additional people add to our lives they don't replace them. Of course in spite of our best intentions emotions can take on a life of their own some spouses actually do find someone else and that is always the fear. Really open communication can help alleviate those fears or at least put them in the proper perspective. Sometimes changing the nature of the open relationship can resolve hot button issues. For  example, the parallel open relationship  style where the spouse is not involved might cause jealousy but the triad solution where both spouses participate works great.

Trust

A core ingredient to open relationships is trust. Married partners often find open relationships easier when they have 100% trust in each other. A locked cell phone, secret e-mail accounts, and mysterious phone calls all create a sense of ”Hey, I don’t know what’s going on.” I prefer a model of over-the-top openness. When we tell our spouse when they walk in the door, “I had a great call from my friend this morning,” then when they then see the friend’s name on the caller id, instead of wondering who they we talking to, now they already know. If I am having coffee with a bi/gay friend, I always leave a note or tell my wife where I’m going. This creates transparency. No one has to live their life this way, but instead of looking at this as giving up our right to privacy, look at it as building trust. My wife has never felt the need to look at my e-mail messages or text messages or see who called because she has a deep-rooted sense that she knows what she needs to about what is going on in my life.

Open relationships and new relationship energy.

A common challenge in open relationships is dealing with NRE or new relationship energy. It is extremely important that everyone be aware of NRE in open relationships. A mixed-orientation marriage with an open relationship is not looking to replace the primary partners. We are adding to our tapestry of relationships, but the unique nature of NRE can make it seem like the new person has indeed taken over our spouse like some sort of zombie force.

How do you recognize NRE? If you think back to your teenage years and those passionate falling in love moments when you worshiped the very ground your girlfriend or boyfriend walked on, that was new relationship energy. It was all you could talk about, he/she was the smartest, most amazing person in the world, it became all consuming, and perhaps your friends and family said enough already. In short, it looks like the person experiencing NRE has lost their mind. This is a very vulnerable time for our primary partner so we need to be very aware of NRE and tools for coping with it.

The good news is that true NRE usually settles down after a while. Of course, their hair is perfect; they just spent an hour getting ready. Three months later, it is Saturday morning and they are running around with bed hair and out come the sweat pants; this kind of puts a damper on the NRE. Reality sets in, The new person may be special, but so is our primary partner.

When we are aware of NRE, we can talk about it and that is also an important coping mechanism. “Honey, remember when we talked about NRE? Well, you just mentioned Billy like a 100 times in the last half hour; let’s talk about NRE.” As the new relationship unfolds, we need to pay special attention to our primary partner and make an effort to remind them they are the most amazing person in our life.

A useful technique is to use a cognitive trigger approach to NRE awareness. If you find yourself mentioning the new person’s name too many times in a short period of time, let your self-talk reign it in, sort of, “Whoa, sounds like NRE to me, time to cool it.”

A common tactic that I learned from a lecture by Tristan Taormino (2008, 2011) author of Opening Up is to redirect the NRE to our primary partner. We have all that euphoria and energy; why not put it to use to make the existing relationship better. When we are happy, we are more pleasant to be around. When we make that happiness about our primary partner, that energy then becomes a good thing for the relationship.

New relationship energy is a common aspect of any new relationship. If we are aware of what it is, we can look for it and then use the tools in our toolbox to cope with it in a proactive and productive way. To couples who are considering opening the relationship, I highly recommend Tristan Taormino’s book Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships.

References

Jamie. (2021, December 21). One-sided open relationships: Can it work? Polyamory Today. Retrieved from https://polyamorytoday.com/polyamory-facts/one-sided-open-relationships/

Psychology Today Staff (Ed.). (2019, June 13). Polyamory | Psychology Today. Psychology Today. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/polyamory

Taormino, T. (2008). Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships. Cleis Press Inc.

Taormino, T. (2011). Making Open Relationships Work Sunday November 13,2011 10:00 – 11:30, Workshop presented at Transcending Boundaries Conference Worcester Mass

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