Coming out

Coming out  of the closet as bisexual,gay or lesbian  from keeping a secret no one must know to living an open , self actualized and authentic life  has many variations and stages. Even the process of coming out to ourselves can be an extremely complex and emotional process. Vivian Cass in her Cass Model describes the process from initial awareness of our bisexual, lesbian or gay attraction to formal identity development (Cass 1979).  I write about the Cass model from a bisexual perspective in a blog post   Cass Model Revisited – A bisexual perspective  Once we come out to ourselves the process of deciding whom else to come out to begins. We all become aware of our bisexual, gay, or lesbian identity at different stages in our lives. Some of us are aware of our  bisexual, gay, or lesbian attraction  as far back as we can remember; others repress these feelings so much that they are in their 40s, 50s, or even older before discovering them.

We have learned that in some cases sexual attraction can be fluid so if ones spouse comes out at 50,60,70 years old and says this is something new it is important to know that late in life discovery of bisexual, lesbian or gay attraction is also a thing. (Calzo, Antonucci,Mays, & Cochran, 2011).  There can be a huge gap between awareness and acceptance of our bisexual, gay, or lesbian attraction. Acceptance plays a huge role in our sense of self and willingness to share that part of ourselves with others. In some cases, the bi, gay, or lesbian spouse believes coming out to their spouse is an impossibility, and if they have acted on their desires, the fear of the consequences may trump any moral second thoughts. At some point the desire to live our lives authentically can sometimes become a greater force than our fears .

Coming out is only good for you if it is good for you.

We all live in our own unique situations and each relationship has its own relationship dynamics. It makes sense and research supports the idea that coming out is only good for you if it's good for you (Legate,Ryan & Weinstein 2011) . In other words while there are all kinds of benefits to living out, if coming out will get you fired from your job, thrown out of your house, disowned by your spouse and family, beaten, tortured or killed then perhaps the bad consequences outweighs the benefits. Coming out to one's wife or husband has a variety of unique considerations and while it sometimes sets off a chain of events that result in an even better relationship coming out to one's spouse more commonly creates stress to the relationship that may result  in separation or divorce or state of continued angst. You cannot un-comeout so a lot of thought needs to go into the process and this is another instance where a professional counselor can help guide you. Fear and self preservation are extremely powerful motivators towards maintaining secrecy.

Coming Out to Our Spouse

Numbers of mixed-orientation marriages where the bisexual, lesbian or gay attraction is known by the straight spouse are hard to quantify because the social stigma of bisexual, lesbian or gay attraction continues and there is a lack of proper counting methods. There is a huge number bisexual and gay married men in mixed-orientation marriages where the husband is not out to anyone including their wives.

My own observation is men who are open about their sexual orientation with their wives are a very small minority. I am not sure if it is 1 out of 10 or 1 out of a 100 or even fewer but I am confident that most have found being open a challenge they choose not to deal with. Again I blame the negative hateful attitudes of our society toward bisexual, lesbian or gay attraction as well as the lack of positive role models of bi and gay men in happy marriages  for making it so difficult to be open as the person we were created to be. Due to  fear and other factors closeted bisexual and gay men face an ethical dilemma , they don't want to hurt their wives by coming out  because they love them and they know disclosure would not only hurt their wives but statistics show coming out to ones spouse has the potential to  destroy their marriage (Buxton, 1994).

The need for Mixed-Orientation Marriage Pathways to Success was created  because of the lack of models that happy successful mixed-orientation marriages are even possible. If the only understanding of discovery or disclosure of mixed-orientation marriage is divorce then self preservation and the preservation of the relationship contributes to secrecy over disclosure.

In short many believe come out and the marriage may be over , keep it a secret and the marriage continues on its happy merry way, and  of course get caught and the marriage may also be over but if the belief is the marriage might be over anyway there is incentive for the secret to remain. The ethical dilemma created by secrecy include the straight spouses right to know who they are married to. In addition the ethics of the openness/secrecy dilemma become even more important when there is secret sexual behavior with others outside the marriage especially because such activity has the potential to put  the unknowing straight spouses health at risk. More than a few mixed-orientation marriages have become known due to the wife getting a mysterious sexually transmitted infection wondering how that could be. In addition to the health risks there are other damage. If a gay husband or lesbian wife has no interest in sexual intercourse with their spouse the spouse is left with all kinds of wondering why and perhaps  a sense of loss that sexual intimacy is missing from their life. When the reason is known efforts can be made to find a mutually rewarding solution.

Another common issue in mixed-orientation marriage where the gay,bisexual or lesbian attraction is not known is the brooding and depression that can accompany an unfulfilled life. It is obvious something is wrong, but what? When we love someone we want to fix their pain but how can we when we don't know whats wrong.

In my own experience I decided my wife's right to know about my bisexuality transcended all other considerations. The risks of the consequences to my openness  to the future of our marriage was one I had to take but while I believe this is the best approach that was my path. I can not emphasize enough that each individual situation is different and each person must decide for themselves what is best . Mixed-Orientation Marriage Pathways to Success is written specifically for those who are either already out or who have made the decision to  come out. If you are still in the contemplative stage I  highly recommend you find a local professional counselor to guide you in the process.

As part of my discussion on coming out I would like to discuss some of the variations of the process of coming-out to our husbands or wives.

First, there is the “I thought it was a choice, so I chose you” model. This is the version I experienced. I shared with my wife before I married her that I was bisexual but was choosing her. Shortly after I got married, I realized my bisexuality was not a choice, but in my mind it was too late, so I kept it buried deep in the closet. When I came out the second time, some twenty-five years of marriage had passed, and I had struggled for all those years. I couldn’t repress it anymore; I had to bring who I really was into how I lived my life. As I shared who I was, my wife at first didn’t remember that I had previously shared this information. I mention this because it is a common occurrence that happens way more often than I ever imagined: out of sight, out of mind, soon to be forgotten. One who is planning on coming out again needs to be aware of the possibility that it may be like coming out for the first time. Fortunately, in time, my wife remembered. This understanding is important because part of the coming out process is that we are revealing a secret that we have not shared with someone who has expected us to share all of ourselves. This has an effect on trust and frequently raises the question, “What else do I not know about this person?”

When the disclosure of the bisexual, lesbian or gay attraction happens long into the relationship, it may occur either before anything happens with a person outside the marriage or after. Coming out engenders a huge range of reactions, and the difficulties are greatly magnified if there is infidelity. Infidelity and its impact on trust often become an obstacle to resolving the greater issue of creating a working dynamic for the mixed-orientation marriage.

There are also variations in coming-out style. There is the “slowly rip off the band-aid” approach: “I think I am attracted to men,” then a few days later, “I have had sex with a man,” and then a little later, it’s not just one man. And there is the approach of “here it all is, every last detail, all at once.” Neither of these two methods results in what I would call a good time, but however it occurs, the coming-out revelation is a rite of passage that virtually every gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender person has had to cope with. There is also the difference between voluntarily saying, “Honey, we need to talk, I am bisexual,” and the wife who discovers pictures of naked men on the computer or, worse, walks into the bedroom to find the husband in bed with another man. There is a huge difference between coming out when you have had a chance to reflect and understand who you are and what you want and you have planned out what you are going to say, and when and you are being dragged out of the closet kicking and screaming. When the gay, lesbian, or bisexual spouse hasn’t accepted him or herself and gets caught or discovered, it can be very frustrating to the straight spouse to deal with continued denial. “I’m not bi; those pictures were just idle curiosity,” “What male porn on my computer; I have no idea how that got on there,” or ”We are just friends.” Such denials add to the relationship complexities that need to be overcome. These difficulties are not a reflection on your spouse, but are a reflection of the shame that society places on bisexual, lesbian or gay attraction.

The actual coming-out to our spouse is often full of angst, agony, and struggles. More than a few people have come out only after being hospitalized for depression, panic attacks, or other traumatic events. For some the need  eventually becomes so great that we share this deep dark secret, which begins a remarkable journey. The nuts and bolts of how we share are as varied as the coming-out stories. I chose to come out on a Saturday morning over coffee where we would have as much time as we needed. Some write and deliver a letter, and some read their letters out loud so they won’t forget what they want to say. Some use the captive-audience approach, such as being alone in a car on a five-hour drive or away on a two-week vacation. There never seems to be a good time to come out: before the holidays ruins the holidays, after the holidays ruins the holidays, and anniversaries and birthdays are never good. Those simple words, “I am bi” or “I think I might be gay” cannot be unsaid. The chain of events they set in motion will mean change, hopefully for the good but not necessarily so.

I have learned from listening to hundreds of stories that, while we often have a good idea of the reaction we will get, we will never be sure. In a perfect world, our spouses totally understand our story, accept who we are, and work with us as our partners and friends toward making all well in our world. That happens sometimes, but usually, something else happens. Most commonly, there is an immediate reaction followed by an evolution of thinking that at some point resolves into a decision to stay together with continued struggle, stay together with mutual happiness, or separate and divorce. Regretfully, I don’t have a model that says how you can tell; you need to go through the process to see how it will end. I will further discuss the evolution of coming out to our spouses in other chapters.

 

Coming out as a mixed-orientation couple.

Coming out to the world and finding people who support us are two different things. In the early stages, support and having a trusted someone to talk to are important, and being publicly out can wait until there is a solid foundation for the new relationship dynamic. I recommend coming out to others only after both partners have confidence about who they are and what they want. If you yourself do not know whether you will be staying together, it makes it difficult to send a unified message. Coming out is a loaded topic that can start a huge debate. I put it up there with religion and politics. Some say it is no one’s business what goes on in the bedroom. They are right; being bisexual is about a lot more than what happens in the bedroom. It goes to our core identity. There is no shame in being bisexual , lesbian or gay. Coming out can often lead to a happier view of our lives especially if we overcome any sense of shame for  simply being who we are.

There are complicated aspects of this whole process of coming out as a mixed-orientation couple. If the bisexual partner chose on their own to reveal to their spouse their bisexual attraction, the bisexual partner often feels a sense of relief that their partner now knows. If there was a discovery instead of a disclosure, it may take time for the bisexual partner to reach that point. Once the secret is revealed, the bi partner needs to determine how “out” they want to be. This can range from “It’s no one’s business at all,” to “I am so proud of who I am, I want the world to know.” Decisions about who to be out to include immediate family, close friends, personal support networks, trusted advisors and professional colleagues.

In a mixed-orientation couple, we also need to consider the straight partner’s feelings on the subject. When both spouses agree about whether to come out, it can be done together as a couple. When one spouse is ready and the other is not, some work needs to be done.

As we start thinking about the wider coming-out process, there are several important groups with their own considerations. First, our children: if you have young children, I highly recommend that your coming-out be under the guidance of a counselor whom you trust. How old is old enough is a subject open to debate. I’ll open with the fact that, in the 4th grade, I knew I was different, and if I had known I had a gay, lesbian, or bisexual parent, it would have been a huge validation. Nothing says we’re OK like Mom or Dad’s being one of us. How we come out to our children includes a trust aspect because our children want to believe they know the real us. In my case, coming out improved my relationship with my children. Then, there is the wider family of parents, siblings, and so on. Secrets create a slippery slope. The fact is, no matter how our mixed-orientation marriage plays out, there may be visible changes in the dynamics of our relationship for example all of a sudden the couple is running off to counseling sessions and there are hushed conversations behind closed doors, things have changed and our parents and siblings may pick up on them. Then we have the whole ”You told so and so, why didn’t you have the faith to share with me?” There are those who say, “Why share this?” There is an element of joy when we reach the tipping  point of self acceptance and we want others to share in our joy.    The spiritual part of me did not want Mom and Dad looking down from heaven with tears in their eyes because I had had too little confidence in their love to share this part of who I am. Coming out to Mom and Dad was one of the hardest things I have ever done, but I discovered the meaning of unconditional love when I did.

The final coming-out decision is about whether to come out to our wider circle. As the bisexual one, I wanted to be out to everyone because I was no longer ashamed of who I was and was ready to live authentically. I wanted to be a role model for others who follow, but my wife was hesitant; she didn’t know how others would react. So I backed off and allowed several more months for our mixed-orientation marriage to percolate. When we approached the subject again, my wife was ready. The theory was to establish a posse of supporters who would most likely react positively. I would come out to someone, see how it went, then add another. We came out to a few individuals, then went to some cocktail parties. No one pointed and stared, and no one asked any awkward questions. My wife started to feel better about the process. My initial coming out went on for about 18 months, culminating with the most difficult of all: to my mid 80′s parents. I was most afraid of their reaction. As it turns out, it was a non-issue, and they were completely supportive.

Coming out for us was a joyous experience to be celebrated

One of the most important parts of my coming out success was my wife’s and my positive attitude. We came out as if having a bisexual husband was a good thing. When people see their friends excited about something positive they feel the excitement as well, never mind that it’s kind of unusual to be positive about this. If the couple portrays their marriage as a train wreck, their friends will react accordingly. I recommend waiting until the couple has worked out a pathway to success before coming out to the wider circle. Even with our children, when I came out to them, we knew our marriage was going to last. That’s all our kids wanted to know: whether Mom and Dad would still be together. For those couples who decide to divorce the coming out process can still be framed as a positive event even as the differing sexual orientations did not enable the marriage to continue.

All this said, even in the early stages, both the bi and straight partners need someone to confide in. This supportive person is different from those in the greater coming out. Find someone you can trust who will not be judgmental. At first, a counselor may be the only one you can talk to, but find someone. As a reminder you do not have to come out to anyone you don’t want to. In some cases, being out can be bad because certain employers will find a way to discriminate even if illegal. In some parts of the country, it can be outright dangerous to live openly as a gay, lesbian, or bisexual person. Under the right circumstances, living openly can be wonderful, but it must be carefully considered.

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Originally Posted at Living Fabulous