The Bisexual Identity

An important challenge in mixed-orientation relationships is that, in addition to dealing with the relationship dynamics created by the same-sex attraction, there are also challenges with understanding bisexuality. Even if we get past the straight box society would like to place us in, we live in a mostly binary world. A wide swath of society wants to classify us as either straight or gay. Bisexuals know this view of the world is not only overly simplistic but also just plain not true. As Alfred Kinsey (1948) , who conducted foundational, landmark research in sexuality said, “Males do not represent two discrete populations, heterosexual and homosexual. … The living world is a continuum in each and every one of its aspects.”

Dr. Kinsey created the Kinsey scale, which measures degree of sexual attraction to the opposite sex and the same sex. It is easy to fill out; just put a mark on the scale where it most accurately reflects the degree of heterosexual/homosexual sexual attraction.
Adapted from the Kinsey scale (Kinsey, 1948)

 

The Klein Grid: an improvement.
A disadvantage to the Kinsey scale is that it is one-dimensional. The Klein Sexual Orientation Grid, developed by Fritz Klein, provides an improvement by taking into account past, present, and ideal elements of sexual orientation. The Klein grid is especially useful to help identify differences between one’s present situation and one’s ideal situation. It also represents multiple components of bisexuality. For example, it is not uncommon for a bisexual male to have an emotional preference for women along with a sexual preference for men. The Klein grid can be very helpful in making sure that how one leads one’s life is aligned with how one wants to lead it. This is the concept of making sure we are not being the proverbial square peg in a round hole. For example, if the Klein grid shows someone is sexually attracted to both men and women, fantasizes about both men and woman, and in an ideal world would find sexual satisfaction from both sexes, then it seems clear that a relationship with only one gender might cause a disconnect between actual living and who this person truly is. A review of the Klein grid certainly aids self-awareness.

In a sense, a bisexual person who pretends to be heterosexual is play-acting their way through life, and for many, this leads to negative personal consequences. Richard R. Trodden said “Homosexual identities are most fully realized when self-identity, perceived identity, and presented identity coincide; that is, where an accord exists among who people think they are, who they claim they are, and how others view them” (Trodden, 1988). The use of the Klein grid might raise some issues not previously examined, so it is best used in conjunction with counseling by a therapist trained in sexual orientation, gender identity, and mixed-orientation relationships.

The Klein grid (Klein, 1993) was developed by Dr. Fritz Klein, and this example of the use of the Klein grid was adapted from information obtained from his book. The Klein grid is used here for the limited purpose of furthering academic discussion of a specific case. For all other purposes, please refer to the original published work. A disadvantage to both the Kinsey and the Klein measures is that they are either–or oriented. Both imply that, as one becomes more attracted to one gender, one becomes less attracted to the other. This simply does not reflect the reality of most bisexuals. There are huge variations in the ways bisexuality manifests. In fact, the bisexual label serves as a great conversation starter, but to really understand a bisexual, you need to pull up a chair and have a meaningful conversation.

Michael Storms—A multi-dimensional model.

Michael Storms (1980) proposed yet another model of sexual orientation, in which sexual attraction to one sex is independent of that for the other. This is also known as the x/y model to reflect two independent axes. Storms found that bisexuals could be just as attracted to the opposite sex as heterosexuals while at the same time being just as attracted to the same sex as homosexuals. In my experience, this is true. This scale also allows us to properly account for the day-to-day ebb and flow of our sexual attraction. Variation in how sexually attracted we are to each gender appears to be a common attribute of the typical bisexual’s day-to-day life. Sometimes this ebb and flow occurs over years. This is why sometimes a husband or wife suddenly discovers his or her same-sex attraction after years of believing he or she was straight.

Some bisexuals find that, on some days, they are very attracted to both men and women and would be happy with either, whereas on other days, they have a distinct preference for one sex or the other. In the early stages of accepting bisexuality, it is common for this ebb and flow to cause angst. Bisexuals who are in this questioning phase may ask themselves, “I think I might be gay, but I am also attracted to the opposite sex. How can I be attracted to both?” Eventually, we come to realize that, in fact, that is exactly who we are, bisexuals with attraction to both men and women.

Bisexuality—More than one way to live our lives with happiness and joy.

At long last, our world is becoming more accepting of the gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender people living in our society. Increasing numbers of bisexuals who are married to heterosexual spouses are coming out of the closet, ready to really start living their lives authentically. The lack of role models for success has resulted in a difficult journey for many, but in the end, many of us are finding pathways to success. It is important to understand that, if you put ten bisexuals in a room and ask them to tell you what it means to be bisexual, you may very well get ten different answers. This is why I am so fond of saying my bisexual identity is nothing more than a conversation starter because, to know who I really am, you need to pull up a chair and chat a spell. Our stories represent who we are, and we all have important stories to share.

Although it is an overly simplistic representation of the large variety of ways bisexuals live their lives, it can be helpful to take a look at the idea of sequential and concurrent bisexuals. In simplest terms, a sequential bisexual falls in love with the person and not the gender. Sequential bisexuals often have to deal with erasure because, while they are with a partner of one gender their attraction to the other gender becomes invisible. This results in others’ trying to define us: “You must be straight if you are with an opposite-sex partner,” some say, or “I knew it, you were gay all along, even when you were with a same-sex partner,” others say.

Sequential bisexuals know all about the consequences of the erasure that this mistaken rush to judgment creates. While invisibility occurs passively when no one can see who we are, erasure of our bisexuality is far more hideous because it is done to us. Our bisexual identity is erased by someone else’s mistaken belief that who we are with at a given moment defines who we are. The false stereotypes are perhaps the biggest challenge facing sequential bisexuals because, by their very definition, bisexuals are happy with their current partner’s gender no matter what it is. This doesn’t change the fact that they are bisexual one bit.

Concurrent bisexuals face additional challenges and stereotypes. Concurrent bisexuals discover at some point that no one gender will satisfy them. Concurrent bisexuals need the best of more than one gender in their lives at the same time. It is the concurrent bisexual who traditionally has faced some of the greatest impact from stereotypes and negative remarks about bisexuality. We are labeled as promiscuous or selfish or that we never grew up. The list of hurtful remarks due to these false stereotypes is endless. From the constant barrage of hateful remarks, many of us became exhausted and surrender to society’s expectations. In my case as well as countless others, it was simply easier to deny who we are to fit societal expectations. Sequential bisexuals have even been known to distance themselves from concurrent bisexuals by feeding into the stereotypes and saying we give bisexuals a bad name. We need to understand that our stories are varied and individual. Even labeling us as sequential or concurrent bisexuals is a poor representation and does a huge disservice to us because our relationships and needs are varied and complicated way beyond such a simple binary definition. As I am fond of saying, a bisexual is who I am, not what I do.

When I came of age in the 70s, there were no role models for bisexuals, and it was assumed that I would have to choose to live my life as either a straight or gay person. Like many, I was taught the big lie that bisexuality was a choice, and since I had fallen in love with a woman, the choice seemed easy. As most of us who were born as concurrent bisexuals now know, a relationship is not a simple either–or choice for us; we need some sort of “and” in our lives. I have a distinct emotional or sexual need to have more than simply a male OR  female gender in my life. I was born this way; I have always been this way. Society tried to stuff me in a heterosexual box where I didn’t belong. Like so many, I struggled for decades resisting who I was, and I spent years living a life according to a script that was not mine. I am fortunate that, nine years ago, I had some sort of epiphany. I simply woke up one day with acceptance and finally understood there is no shame in being born bisexual. We do, in fact, fall in love with the person we fall in love with, and we are sexually attracted to who we are attracted to, and sometimes, that involves more than one gender. Sometimes, all we need from others cannot be met by one particular person.

Accepting that we are all part of the rich tapestry of human beings is essential for the personal happiness of all of us. It is a huge injustice when 98% of the population wants to dictate how the 2% minority, who are not like them, have to live their lives. I am in that 2% and don’t believe my life and the right to determine how I live it are any less important than anyone else’s. Thank goodness, times have changed and society is accepting that all our lives are equally important and we are all entitled to personal happiness. Even as a concurrent bisexual male, there are many ways I can satisfy my sexual attraction to men while remaining a wonderful husband to my wife. My sex life is indeed very private and I have no intention of sharing those intimate details here, but let me simply say that our sex lives are not binary either. We do not live in a world of “sex/not sex;” there is a whole range of sexuality, and much of it is easily celebrated with love and understanding beyond the scope of typical binary thinking.

Living “out” as a self-actualized, happily married bisexual lets me serve as a role model for the next generation. There is nothing sadder to me than seeing a marriage between two loving people either never happen or fall apart after decades of marriage because the couple didn’t know that bisexuals can have wonderful marriages and that mixed-orientation marriages can be fabulous relationships.

Bisexuals do have a choice: they can choose whether to live their lives exactly as the persons they were created to be. We all deserve the chance to love and be loved, and I thank God every day I was given this chance. I hope that many more of us will follow because, once people get to know us, they can understand and accept us. When we live our lives openly and honestly, our parents, children, and friends can understand that bisexuals are normal, everyday people, and acceptance can follow. And as our partners come to know that living authentic, self-actualized lives brings love and joy to each day we are granted, we become much better husbands and wives.

References

• Kinsey, A. e. (1948). Kinsey, Alfred et al -Sexual behavior in the human male . Indiana University Press.
• Klein, F. (1993). The Bisexual Option . Haworth Press. .
• Storms, M. (1980). Theories of Sexual Orientation. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 783-792.
• Troiden, R. R. (1988). Gay and lesbian identity: a sociological analysis.

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