Is my partner bisexual enough?

There is a common stereotype that bisexuals are often simply gay, but are in denial. No matter how hard we try, it seems impossible to get some people to accept that bisexuals really do exist. One of the problems is that many people do not understand what bisexuality is. Put ten bisexuals in a room and ask them what it means to be bisexual and you will likely get ten different answers. Labels are simply conversation starters, ways of saying, ”Hey, here is something we need to talk about to find out more about each other.” Negative attitudes toward bisexuals have also created an environment causing widespread reluctance toward adopting the bisexual label resulting in some bisexuals adopting the gay sexual orientation identity  .  There are wide variations in sexual attraction and the interplay with emotional attraction. For example, a wife married to a heterosexual man may have sexual interest only in women as well as emotional interest in both genders; the latter is sometimes called bi-romantic. Specifically, this woman has a romantic relationship with her husband. She may well be “just bisexual enough” to make the relationship work if they can mutually arrive at a solution to satisfy each other’s sexual needs. Couples often get way too hung up on labels.  One of the most common concerns I hear from the straight partner upon learning their partner is attracted to the same sex is the fear that the partner might actually be gay or lesbian. While the concerns are valid we need to look at behavior and desire not just at identity.  One wife in one of the support groups I belong to refers to her husband as “gay plus me.” That is all that is needed for the marriage to succeed.

Lust and Love. Lisa Diamond wrote that romantic love and sexual desire do not necessarily follow the same gender patterns. (Diamond, 2003). The gender of our lust can be different from the gender of our love. Even more Interestingly Daryl Bem professor of Psychology at Cornell University found as many gay men have found love has a sexual attraction component that can be different from the gender of our lust. Swan and Benack summarize Lisa Diamonds and Daryl Bems research with this informative quote.

“Sexual desire is gender oriented—we sexually desire members of one sex or the other—but romantic attraction is person oriented: We fall in love with a particular person, not his or her gender. . . . Many of the participants in Diamond’s . . . study . . . report romantic attractions to and relationships with members of the sex to whom they are not typically sexually attracted. When asked if the sexual desire that often accompanies these romantic attractions generalizes to other members of that sex, the answer is typically no. (Bem, 2005)”

Swan and Benack in their research go on to write that this lust and romantic love dynamic accounts for the phenomenon of “One woman short of gay” found so often in the mixed-orientation marriage support groups (Swan & Benack, 2012). Research papers by Diamond, Bem,Swan and Benack all support my premise that bisexuality is not just a self-described identity or sexual orientation there is also bisexual behavior. In other words, some people identify as gay, lesbian or even straight but are bisexual in their emotional or sexual attractions and behaviors. Daryl Bem writes “ I have met many married men who say they are bisexual because they desire sex with men in general, but assert that they truly love their wives and enjoy satisfying sexual relations with them. When I ask them if they are also sexually attracted to other women, they say no. (Bem, 2005) ”

Some gay men do in fact pass through a bisexual stage in their identity development but many bisexuals are indeed bisexual and stay there. Also not mentioned is the gay men who discover they actually are bisexual. Some wives ask me, “If my husband is gay, why would he want to stay with me?” We have discovered that, sometimes, when we find the perfect person to spend the rest of our days with, that person doesn’t match our sexual orientation. This disconnect in sexual orientation does not take away the fact that we have found the person we most want to be with. I married my best friend, and in thirty-five years with her, I haven’t met anyone male or female who even comes close, so I am not about to let my sexual orientation take our relationship away from me. Interestingly, since my wife came to understand what it means to be married to a bisexual man, she agrees that yes I am “bisexual enough,” and we both hope to live out our days together happily ever after.

I do need to point out that, once the emerging gay or lesbian partner starts to really look at the freedom to live their lives as they choose, they may decide they are not bisexual enough to remain in the marriage, but it is worth being sure rather than assuming the marriage is over. I have seen successful mixed-orientation marriages even where the spouse identifies as 100% gay. The gay identity is just a label—what really matters is whether the relationship works for the couple.

I have seen a recent increase in straight spouses’ writing words such as, ”My spouse first came out as bi; now they say they are gay; now what?” Many people who find themselves in mixed-orientation marriage are concerned about labels to describe their sexuality, especially the bisexual label. Many of us fall somewhere on a spectrum of sexual orientation, and our sexual attraction may be fluid throughout our lifetimes. I have seen spouses become very concerned when their bisexual partners start to drift toward the same-sex attraction end of the scale. I am sure that one person I know who has been married for fifty years terrified his wife when he said, “I’m bi,” then a few months later said, “No, I’m gay,” before settling on “Actually, I’m bi.” Thank goodness his wife stuck around, because fifty years of marriage is remarkable by any standard. Our sexual journeys take all kinds of paths, and it is important to remember it is a journey not a destination.

Sometimes in mixed-orientation marriages, same-sex attraction has taken over and there is virtually no sexual attraction to the opposite-sex spouse. When the spouse changes their identification from bi to gay, many spouses panic, sure they must start packing. I would like to suggest, not so fast. If there is still enough sexual interest to keep both spouses happy, it doesn’t matter how gay or lesbian the spouse identifies. What about when there is no longer any sexual interest in the straight spouse at all? The dynamics of a sexless marriage can be much more complex, and I’ll be the first to say they are probably not for everyone, but it is important to look at all facets of the relationship. Some marriages were based on being best friends to begin with. This often happens when someone is pretty sure they are gay or lesbian but then confusingly falls in love with an opposite-sex friend, questions their sexual orientation, assumes they were wrong, and gets married. The incentive was so great to be straight that many of us grabbed hold of our heterosexual love and held on for dear life.

Sometimes, it may be a week or forty years later, the same-sex needs reappear. I am not a counselor and I have no idea what the experts say about such things; all I know is I have met many couples for whom the relationship is so wonderful that working out the sexuality piece is a side issue.

Again, if someone’s sexual needs are with men but the person they love is a woman, do they abandon the love of their life just for sex? Do they abandon sex so they can have love? Why can’t they have the love of their life and be sexually satisfied, even if that must be with two different people? It makes perfect sense to me. A situation in which different emotional and sexual needs are met by different people is an unusual mode of living, yet in other aspects of our lives we do not hesitate to find others who share those other interests. Of course, ideally, both spouses should share the attitude that everything else about the relationship is so great that they wouldn’t give it up for all the sex in the world.

It is important to distinguish between sexual intercourse, sexual intimacy, and intimate expressions of love. Shere Hite in her Hite Report books on human sexuality wrote about society’s expectation that foreplay must lead to sexual intercourse, which must then lead to orgasm. She suggests, and I agree, that in reality we can experience intimacy and our sexuality in many different ways. (Hite, 1989) If sexual intercourse isn’t working for a couple, they shouldn’t abandon all contact; instead, they should stick with the things that do work. Who doesn’t like a warm hand on the shoulder, a hug, or some leisurely cuddle time on a Saturday morning? If we remove the expectations about where that cuddling will lead and embrace the moment, we will end up in a happier place. I know other couples where sexual intercourse isnt working for them but they love sharing the intimacy of mutual masturbation.   Again, we live in a world of binary thinking: no touch at all or, once there is touch, if it doesn’t end in intercourse and orgasm, why bother. As a society, we need to step back from that perspective. If your spouse has no sexual interest in you, but is your best friend and soul mate, the person you most want to spend your time with, then why not be together? Once that decision has been made, then the work can begin to discover how to satisfy each of your sexual needs. If enough intimacy cannot be found within the marriage, then either or both may need to find an external source of sexual satisfaction.

When I grew up in the late 60s and early 70s, we developed a very casual attitude about our sexuality, at least in my social circles. Instead of romantic love, just liking someone as a friend was often enough to justify sexual intimacy. This separation of our sex life from our love life worked for many people in my generation. Many of us felt this was something we were expected to outgrow, and then we were expected to settle down and love and have sex the way we were supposed to.

One way of looking at mixed-orientation marriages is to reexamine those attitudes we held in the 70s. Not everyone can separate sex from love, and not every couple can support multiple relationships, but for those who can, there is a whole world of possibilities. Our marriages are as unique as we are as individuals.

It has been my experience that a strong predictor of mixed-orientation success is some degree of attraction to our spouse. A significant number of gay identified men have found the right person to be married to even with the gender differences  which makes them bisexual enough. No matter how gay or lesbian a partner identifies if they desire to be with their spouse that may just be  “bisexual enough” to make a good relationship a possibility.

References

• Bem, D. J (2005) Are Self-identified Bisexuals Just Lying to Us—or to Themselves? Retrieved from http://dbem.org/Are%20Bisexuals%20Lying.pdf
• Diamond, L. M. (2003). What does sexual orientation orient? A biobehavioral model distinguishing romantic love and sexual desire. Psychological Review, 110, 173–192. doi: 10.1037/0033-295X.110.1.173
• Hite, S. (1989). The Hite report: on female sexuality. London: HarperCollins.
• Swan, T. B., &  Benack, S. (2012). Renegotiating Identity in Unscripted Territory: The Predicament of Queer Men in Heterosexual Marriages. Journal of GLBT Family Studies, 8(1), 46-66. doi:10.1080/1550428x.2012.641371

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