Mixed-Orientation Marriage: Pathways to Success
Finding sexual satisfaction in mixed-orientation relationships.
One of the issues to be resolved in mixed-orientation relationships is the sexual needs of the partners. One study on successful mixed-orientation marriages found that, in addition to acceptance of the gay spouse, it was also important for the couple to find an outlet to satisfy the same-sex attraction (Ben-Ari, 2010). The difficulty comes in defining what is acceptable to both the straight and bisexual, gay, or lesbian spouse to satisfy sexual needs. Each person is different, and each couple’s relationship dynamic is different. It is hard to get past the dichotomy of no bisexual, lesbian or gay sexual experiences at all versus wild, anything-goes orgies. Very often, a solution that can keep everyone happy is found somewhere in between.
Although, ideally, as individuals we should choose our own relationship styles and practice our sexuality in ways that satisfies us, the reality in a mixed-orientation marriage is that we must include our straight spouse’s feelings in any attempted solution. This will usually require compromise and an effort to find common ground. As the previous chapter on monogamy highlights It is important to realize that, as the new relationship dynamic of the mixed-orientation marriage matures, there may well be adjustments regarding what is acceptable to the couple.
The evolution of healthy relationship dynamics in a mixed-orientation relationship is a process that takes time because it is a rare mixed-orientation marriage that has a total understanding of how the sexual dynamics will be resolved in the early days. Some aspects of our mixed-orientation marriages can get pretty heavy, and discussions on sexual satisfaction exacerbate some of the difficulties, so seeking help from professional counselors trained in mixed-orientation marriages can really help with finding pathways to success. Some couples have been helped by a counselor who is also a certified sex therapist because they tend to have broad experience with various relationship styles. Some couples report very good results from their sessions with counselors who are members of AASECT ( American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists)
Keeping a journal to help get our thoughts in order as well as to see which needs are most important to us can also be very helpful. It is very satisfying to see an item on the “I wish ...” list become “I am so happy my wish became a reality… ” list . Often a straight spouse will have an intellectual understanding of a solution but emotionally is not ready. A journal can help them see progress over time or perhaps see a need to take a step back and wait for our emotions to catch up. Sometimes, the bi, gay, or lesbian spouse thinks they want something but in the process of writing down their wishes discover it is not realistic and on their own step back from what could have been an area of disagreement. This all helps self-awareness of our own relationship, which is important to finding a solution.
Monogamy, open marriage, or something in between.
Everywhere we look, society tries to pigeon hole our lives into binary absolutes. Perhaps the best example of binary thinking in a mixed-orientation marriage is the whole monogamous vs. open marriage debate. Bisexuals learned a long time ago that our world is more than just on/off, white/black, gay/straight, or male/female. There are rainbows, bisexuals, and dimmers to allow any level of light you want. One of the most frequent issues is the line in the sand where the straight spouse shouts from the hills, “Monogamy for me and you, and that means there must only be me in thought, word, and deed.” Many mixed-orientation couples in the early days stress over just the thought of the open marriage option. The term "open marriage" is an emotionally loaded one and those preconceived ideas of what that means are often a roadblock to success. The monogamy versus open marriage perspective is locked in binary thinking, and we do not live in that world.
Because we have stepped away from the way everyone else is doing marriage, many mixed-orientation couples find it difficult to find relationship models that meet their needs. We have identified the problem, but many couples just want it to go away because it all seems too hard to deal with. The problem is that we are often driven to find some sort of path to happiness, and for many, that requires finding a way to satisfy our sexual needs. Each of us is different, and each of us needs to find our own way for personal fulfillment and happiness. Despite these needs, many of us want our wife or husband to be part of our lives even as we search for that solution.
When we have a binary either–or choice of monogamy, you stay, versus open marriage, get out, the lines in the sand are dug in, and something has to give. The typical newly discovered mixed-orientation marriage has a narrow binary vision of the choices. Monogamy exists in which even lusting in one’s head violates the sanctity of marriage and the open marriage option often consists of visions of being out all night screwing anything that moves. I do not believe a successful mixed-orientation marriage is likely to work with either of these extreme solutions.
We should look somewhere between the binary absolutes of monogamy and the anything that moves vision of open marriage. In my experience, the baby steps of acceptance and growth require our solution to be defined in broader intellectual terms. I have found it helps to define our needs in specific behavioral terms. For example, birds of a feather enjoy " I experienced that too" and “I understand,” and we all need friends. Having bisexual, gay, or lesbian friends is a great way to build self acceptance. There are others in the world like us after all and it gives us a chance to simply be bisexual, gay, or lesbian. It’s who we are, not always just what we do.
When I come back from a visit with a friend who understands what it means to be married and gay or bi, I feel good about myself. I am happier, and I come home with a skip in my step. That happiness translates to easier expressions of love to my wife. It does not’t matter if it’s a sewing group or a game of golf with friends, our independent activities bring us happiness and make for vibrant enthusiastic lives that we can bring home and share in our marriages. What about dinner out with bisexual,gay or lesbian friends changes any of that? I venture to say, nothing. This is often a process that requires baby steps. It sometimes takes two steps forward and one back, and saying today “I need to be at point B tomorrow.” is often not realistic in the typical mixed-orientation marriage dynamic . We need to focus on what we need to do today as a loving husband and wife so we can both be happy , today first and then we can find that when we string a whole bunch of days like this together we have created a happy life. Time and time again, I have seen attitudes change for the better as each day goes by. Will it work for everyone? No. I have seen couples where the absolute best thing they could do is to simply move on because the differences were too great. In the early days after coming out, bisexual and gay married men tell me one of their greatest needs is for like-minded friends they can talk to. Is having a friend with whom we can share what it’s like to live with same-sex attraction really going to cause the downfall of our marriage? I doubt it.
In my research I see that one of the keys to a successful mixed-orientation marriage is acceptance of the gay/bi/lesbian spouse’s sexuality along with some way to satisfy that sexuality. Rather than get caught up in words like monogamy and open marriage that have loaded preconceived baggage, it is far better to discuss the actual relationship dynamics. “Honey, I need to have a male friend I can visit every few weeks to share how much we love our wives even as we are sexually attracted to men.” This is far different from moving in with a guy and coming home for dinner every other Saturday night.
In my own marriage my number one priority is my wife’s happiness, when I do it right she is happier if I am happy. I am happiest when I can celebrate who I am as a bisexual by having bisexual, gay, and lesbian friends who understand what this all means while still being with my wife, who is my best friend, the love of my life, and my soul mate. It also turns out that bisexuals can celebrate their bisexuality in many ways that are sexual but that remain acceptable to the straight partner. The greatest gift a straight spouse can give their bisexual partner is the opportunity to find that happy point on their own. There is no resentment, no sorrow nor brooding about an unfulfilled life. The life the couple leads is built on mutual respect and love for each other.
I know from talking with others that we all have different needs and different levels of day-to-day expression of our sexual needs. Rather than live in fear, why not see if that happy middle ground can be found. There is a whole spectrum of needs and many ways to satisfy them.
Normalizing Masturbation
Starting the conversation:
Masturbation in all its wonderful variations is a topic I believe we all need to learn to become more comfortable with. It would be great if we could talk about masturbation with the same comfort as we talk about the weather. Masturbation is an important part of self care and can have a healthy place in our relationships.
I am amazed at how masturbation, something so many enjoy, is treated with such secrecy and shame. I know very few people who were raised that masturbation is a fun activity that should be part of the celebration of being human. As teenagers many of us lived in fear of the bullying or shame that followed being caught in the act of experiencing these simple pleasures. Many married couples of my generation just assumed masturbation was something horny single people did when sex with a partner was not available. I hear many stories that masturbation after marriage wasn't discussed by a lot of spouses and was done with the same secrecy as teenagers afraid Mom or Dad would walk in any minute.
The lack of comfort with this topic and poor communication results in masturbation becoming more of a problem than a solution. We have all heard stories of the husband who masturbated only to find out their wife wanted to have sex and now the husband being all satisfied isn't interested, causing resentment and frustration. It was funny in the movie comedy, Something About Mary , not so much in real life. As some men get older , the time needed after orgasm to get an erection can take longer so timing solo masturbation time with couple time can be helpful to a couples relationship. Better communication about masturbation can be as simple as "Are you in the mood to make love? or is this a good time for me to have some solo sexy time.? I believe masturbation should be an accepted part of the marital toolbox and an open discussion will help find its proper place in our relationships . I am pleased to find some people of our younger generations have a more open view of masturbation but I have heard hundreds of examples of spouses not sharing anything about their masturbation time with their spouses so it's a discussion more of us need to have.
Masturbation within the marriage to balance sexual needs
Many couples with mismatched sexual libidos or interests in sexual intimacy have learned that masturbation is a great way to balance sexual needs in a relationship but it is often an unspoken secret solution. I believe it works better with open and considerate communication. Some bisexuals use their solo masturbation time to celebrate their different bisexual or gay fantasies. While some people do have an issue with excessive masturbation many simply enjoy it and it has a reasonable place in their lives. Best friends want their friends to be happy and have fun. Our spouses as our best friends should be happy for us and that happens best when they don't feel like they are missing out. Each couple is different, others would much rather share that pleasure together and that is the beauty of talking about it, the couple can find their own ,masturbation narrative. I love to see couples who balance the benefits of solo and shared or mutual masturbation. They both can be helpful to our wellbeing.
Masturbation can benefit both the straight and the bi,gay,lesbian, transgender and asexual partners .The partner that feels they are not getting enough sexual satisfaction out of the relationship can help eliminate resentment by taking some of their sexual satisfaction into their own hands. Masturbation is not a poor substitute for partnered sex its a fabulous addition to our sexual enjoyment. While many men are natural born masturbators with no need for encouragement it's not uncommon for women to need to mindfully learn about and explore self pleasure. Research shows that not only is there an orgasm gap in that women take longer to orgasm then men but there is also a masturbation gap with fewer women masturbating then men. This is important in having initial conversations because there is one dynamic when both partners masturbate but simply haven't learned learned communication skills about it. When one partner masturbates and the other does not it can be more of a challenge to have understanding. Our masturbation habits don't form in a vacuum. Religious or social upbring and family attitudes about masturbation can shape our feelings for decades. Sexual trauma both large and small can also affect attitudes about sexuality and this all must be taken into consideration. That said It can be helpful to at least explore if introducing masturbation can help with the way they experience sexuality. Again this could be where a counselor trained in relationship counseling who has a sex positive view of human sexuality could be helpful. There are many success stories of women learning later in life the joys of self pleasure . Women can help their partners with knowledge of how to satisfy them by showing them. People of all genders need to become aware that there is a reason vibrators and sex toys have become so popular. They are simple great additions to our sexuality whether solo or with a partner.
Mutual Masturbation Sharing the pleasure
Mutual masturbation can be two partners just watching each other or include mutual touch . Both types of mutual masturbation can have a place in our sex lives and it can create that fabulous win-win situation that loving couples should strive for. Masturbation is a great way to become better tuned to our sensuality, sexuality , and what turns us on. We can then share that knowledge with our spouses as a way to improve our shared intimacy together, again another benefit to our spouses. Dilan Kılıç, Heather L. Armstrong & Cynthia A. Graham in their 2023 study explored mutual masturbation among women and men and investigated associations with sexual satisfaction and sexual self-esteem. ( Kılıç, et al. 2023). They write about many of the benefits of mutual masturbation in relationships and their research supports many of my thoughts on the benefits of masturbation, both on our own as well with our partners. Masturbation or sensual touch with hands is also a great way to improve sexual expression with men who do not experience erections or women who find vaginal intercourse painful of unpleasant, While many of these conditions can be treated by the appropriate professionals some just choose to switch gears and and joy play with their hands. The key is to be mindful that lack of erections or lack of desire for intercourse is not a zero sum game its not all or nothing, there is lots of room for sensual pleasure in between. .
Once we have learned to talk with our partners about masturbation we can create a bridge to some other solutions for sexual satisfaction for our bisexual needs. Something as simple as occasionally being able to masturbate to bi, gay or lesbian porn openly and without shame is enough to satisfy some bisexuals. I know others who simply enjoy hanging out naked with their friends. It is a harmless way to celebrate one’s sexuality, it may not be all the bisexual spouse needs, but it is a far cry from denying that the bisexuality even exists. Some spouses agree that mutual masturbation with a friend is a fun way to celebrate same-sex attraction; still others say they don’t have a problem with oral sex, but anal sex is where they draw the line . What if the bi/gay spouse has no interest in anal sex, which happens way more often than straight people think? Well, all of a sudden, that same-sex sexual expression has become a non-issue. Simply discussing anal sex can often calm fears. Agreeing to bare backing (anal sex without a condom) in a rest area with a random stranger is not the same as safer protected sex with a long-term partner . Without acceptance and without a pathway to celebrate who we are its hard to find comfort . The key is to find mutually agreeable ways to celebrate our sexuality that keep everyone happy.
I totally get that it would have been better if this discussion had happened before we were married, but a homophobic and bi-phobic society that says there is no place for people who are gay, bisexual or lesbian made many of us believe it was a choice with only one answer. It turns out, society was wrong, and now we need to make the best of its mistake. At the end of the day, the gay, bisexual or lesbian spouse has suffered for a lifetime, and it is worth trying to find some happy middle ground so everyone can live happy, self-actualized lives. Let’s find that point without using binary words or thinking that do nothing but keep us apart from the ones we love.
I do have one caveat, and that is the more extreme and fixed our thinking is, the less likely a happy compromise can be found. A mixed-orientation marriage needs both partners to be happy with the solution, so stuffing one partner into a monogamous box they don’t belong or wish to be in is not a pathway to success. This caution also applies to our straight spouses as they also have core belief systems that they need to have compatible relationship dynamics. Be sure you are true to yourselves in choosing the best solution. It’s okay if it takes a few years, but the ultimate goal needs to be a pathway to success. Depending upon the bi spouse’s needs, needs that only they know, wonderful mixed-orientation marriages take on every imaginable dynamic.
Sexuality in Monogamous Mixed Orientation Relationships
Some couples find that monogamous marriages can find sexual satisfaction that meets some same sex needs needs. Fantasy, role play, pornography, sex toys, and masturbation are all valuable tools to satisfy this need. The difference between masturbation time before coming out and open masturbation in a mixed-orientation marriage when bisexuals are out to their spouses is that the bi, gay, or lesbian spouse can openly celebrate their same sex sexual interests without shame. It is a huge relief for a husband to to simply say, “Of course it is gay fantasy or a gay video, after all I AM sexually attracted to men.” Couples can discuss setting aside this alone time, which reduces resentment. Communication goes a long way toward eliminating resentment. In some cases, there is still a level of guilt associated with masturbation and celebrating our bisexuality or gay side, so the straight spouse can do their bi partner a huge favor by showing acceptance and actually enabling them to have this private time.
Playing together is also an option, either with sex toys or role playing. I know one wife who would wear men’s White Fruit of the Loom Briefs while the husband and wife masturbated together. There are sex toy penises that feel just like the real thing. Some wives feel incredibly empowered when wearing a strap on penis and being the dominant one in a sexual experience with their husbands. It all depends on your imagination and the extent that role play can satisfy the same-sex need. Please realize this type of role play is not for everyone. Some feel self-conscious or just plain don’t enjoy it. Sometimes, it’s the straight spouse who says you can be bisexual all you want, just don’t make me do it. Many sexual activities are not gender specific. Wives who like oral or anal sex are in a position to enhance the role-playing aspect of their sexuality. Again this is enough for some, whereas others have needs from a gender other than their spouse. That is part of the individual nature of our sexual needs. It is important to realize that there are wide variations of how men and women want to celebrate their sexuality. Some are very visual, some are very touch oriented, some are into the rawness of it all, and others want a more tender touch. Each couple needs to discover for themselves what works and what does not. Again, we are seeking mutual happiness. If the idea of using a sex toy is a total turn off to a straight spouse, then that’s the way it is, just as some people don’t like oral sex. It is something we need to accept about our sexual preferences. Interestingly, gay and bisexual men seem much more accustomed to spelling out what they like with their male partners. There are bottoms, tops, and versatile and those who don’t want anything to do with anal sex. Some just like oral sex, and some could care less about it. Communication about each other’s likes and turn offs can go a long way toward making things better in the bedroom.
Sometimes the straight spouse is all for some play with sex toys, but the bi spouse is not interested. The straight spouse should not take this personally. Again, the social stigma about some sexual desires is so strong that, even after coming out, there is a level of embarrassment about it. I suspect this embarrassment and social stigma is a contributing factor to men who seek anonymous sex hookups. As you can see in my frank discussion, a couple who wants to keep the bisexual spouse happy within the marriage must have excellent communication skills and be willing to try new things to see what works.
A question I get asked often is how I know whether this will be enough to satisfy the bisexual, gay, or lesbian spouse. You won’t until you try it. A mixed-orientation marriage with no outside sexuality is a common framework in the early days, whether it remains that way or eventually ends up with some sort of freedom to have relationships with others. It is important to realize that you need to go through the process. Many straight spouses gain increased understanding of their gay, bisexual or lesbian spouses’ needs, and often a compromise can be reached that makes everyone happy. Again, I strongly discourage the use of words like monogamy and open marriage and instead encourage talk about behaviors. Is skinny dipping in a pond with friends OK in a monogamous marriage? In some marriages it is, while others may not think so. Some categorize a massage or sharing the experience of masturbation as OK in a monogamous relationship. It is the behaviors that one needs to be comfortable with, not just some word that has a whole range of meanings. Remember the president who didn’t think oral sex was sex? I advocate that those in mixed-orientation marriages discuss definitions ahead of time. So long as boundaries are established and agreements are made about what is acceptable behavior and what isn’t, many mixed-orientation marriages can find pathways to success.
Again, there are many ways to make mixed-orientation marriages work. Some people require some sort of sexual satisfaction with a same-sex relationship others need nothing more than a loving spouse to share some fantasy time. A mixed-orientation marriage can also work with no outside partners, if that is what the partners in the marriage truly want for each other.
Coming up with a solution for meeting sexual needs will depend on both spouses’ attitudes toward sexuality and relationship dynamics. When there is a need for outside sexual satisfaction, there are a wide variety of ways for that to happen.
If a decision is made to add others for sexual satisfaction to a relationship, a whole list of issues need to be discussed. I address some of these issues in the next chapter on open relationships. In all cases, our pathway to success needs to be found with loving care as partners look for ways that make everyone happy and satisfied with the outcome.
References
- Ben-Ari, Adler ,A. . (2010). Dialectics between Splitting and Integrating in the Lives of Heterosexually Married Gay Men. Psychology, 106-112.
- Kılıç, D., Armstrong, H. L., & Graham, C. A. (2023). The Role of Mutual Masturbation within Relationships: Associations with Sexual Satisfaction and Sexual Self-Esteem. International Journal of Sexual Health, 19317611.2023.2237950.
