Asexuality and Differing Sexual Desires in Mixed-Orientation Marriages

Sometimes asexuality and  the differences in the  degree of sexual desire between a husband and wife are contributing factors to the evolution of mixed-orientation relationship dynamics. I have seen mixed-orientation marriages where the straight spouse is asexual with no interest in sex and I have seen in some of those cases where a bisexual, gay or lesbian allosexual partner makes a perfect partner for an asexual husband or wife. Allosexual is an inclusive term for someone who  is not asexual. Just as sexual orientation, gender identity, and degrees of monogamy fall on a continuum so too does our sexual desire. While for some of us our sex drive or libido is very high, there are others where it can be quite low. Until recently the societal message was everyone has to like sex and asexuality was not something that a married person typicaly advocated for themselves. With greater acceptance of bisexual, gay and lesbian identities there is also greater acceptance of the individual nature of sexual desire and asexuality has become a more accepted aspect of the diverse nature of human sexuality.  Asexuality also appears to be part of the  fluid throughout lifetimes nature of human sexuality. Sometimes people just become comfortable with their individual sexuality, whether its bisexuality or  asexuality as they get older.

To be clear there are some marriages that have lost sexual intimacy due to the influences of same sex attraction of the bi,gay or lesbian spouse but on others it can also be attributed to asexuality and a lack of interest in sex by the straight spouse. When this happens the traditional societal model is I dont want sex and because of the societal model of monogamy for married couples you cant have sex either.  This can create  an "Ive been thinking" moment by the bi,gay lesbian spouse and more than once I have seen  emerging asexuality by one spouse bring on a discussion of same sex needs by the other.

My anecdotal observation from talking to mixed-orientation  couples is that some gay or bisexual men tend to be kinder gentler about their sexuality and simply treat sex differently with women. Often times that gentleness is what attracts a woman to marry  a gay husband to begin with. I sometimes hear of a women describing how they only had sex with their gay boyfriend if the woman initiated it. It is not uncommon to hear a wife in a mixed-orientation marriage say "He wasnt pushing me to have sex like the other guys  and I liked that about him" . When one thinks about it , this is a better situation for an asexual then the  I want sex everyday all day presentation by some men.

The point I'm making is there is sometimes an underlying reason why the mixed-orientation marriage or relationship  came to be in the first place and sometimes it is because the  gay spouses lack of sexual desire for their opposite gender spouse  matched the straight spouses lack of interest in sex in general.  Of course there  is a little bit of which came first. Is the straight spouse not being sexual because they are asexual or  are they not being sexual because they gave up because of a lack of desire by the non-straight spouse. Both situations happen , each couple needs to examine their own situation to see if they can determine if asexuality is a component of their mixed-orientation marriage.

If it turns out asexuality is a component of the relationship then during the couples discussions  perhaps it is OK to say "You know what I don't like sex anyway perhaps we can have a fabulous marriage with all the good things we have and you can get your sexual satisfaction and same sex needs met in other ways"    It can be a win win but requires looking at a relationship style that can be more complicated and outside the societal box. All the issues raised in the other chapters on monogamy and open relationships apply in this case too but it is important to be aware of the dynamics created when there are different sexual needs of all types.

I have seen some mixed-orientation relationships where a wife acknowledges her asexuality and becomes comfortable with the bisexual (allosexual) husband getting their sexual satisfaction from either male or female outside partners .Some wives feel less threatened by their husbands male sexual friends and limiting outside relationships to same sex partners becomes part of the compromise so common in mixed-orientation relationships. This compromise works best with a gay spouse as bisexuals will sometimes continue to have needs from more than one gender and may require further discussion about sexual needs. Asexuality knows  no gender so of course in some mixed-orientation relationships it can be the male that is asexual with a allosexual wife. Even if both spouses are straight an asexual spouse can create many of the challenges found in mixed-orientation marriages which is why I include these types of mixed-sexuality marriages in my book. In any case awareness of differing sexual needs can be helpful in finding solutions that work in mixed-orientation relationships.

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