Introduction

Mixed-Orientation Marriage: Pathways to Success is a series of writings for husbands and wives in mixed-orientation marriages who both wish to stay together and are seeking strategies to make their relationships stronger, more satisfying, and happier. Very little has been written about mixed-orientation relationships from a “we can do this!”,pathway-to-success point of view, so it is my hope to make a much needed contribution to the literature.

In a mixed-orientation relationship, the partners in the relationship have different sexualities. Most commonly, one partner is bisexual, gay, or lesbian and the other is heterosexual. Sometimes, one partner is lesbian or gay, and the other is bisexual. In other couples, one is asexual or the two simply have different sexual interests. Couples with differences in sexual orientation or sexual interests can often improve their relationships if they can find a pathway for mutual happiness despite those differences.

We fall in love with who we fall in love with.

Straight spouses with newly discovered variations in sexual interests by their husbands or wives often wonder how they ended up married to a bisexual, gay, or lesbian partner. One common reason is the bisexual, gay or lesbian spouse finds the love of their life and their gender happens to match the gender society said they should be. They then put any doubts they might have had about their sexual orientation aside. The chemistry of love can be a very powerful force.

Challenges of Writing about Mixed-Orientation Marriage

Writing that accounts for the wide variety of sexualities and relationship styles that arise in a mixed-orientation marriage presents many challenges . While my focus will be on mixed-orientation marriages with a bisexual husband, many of the challenges and pathways to success that I write about are also relevant to those who identify as gay and lesbian. I address this topic further in the “Is My Partner Bisexual Enough" chapter . While the word gay is often used as an inclusive term to include a variety of sexual orientations including bisexuals and lesbians I feel that the inclusive gay label contributes to bisexual erasure so in my writing I will often use the term bisexual instead of gay as an umbrella term to include anyone who is attracted to their husband or wife and another gender no matter how that may present itself.

Bisexuality is Complicated

Bisexuality is a diverse and complex sexual orientation with many different ways one can be bisexual. Bisexuality is not just a self described identity or sexual orientation, there is also bisexual behavior and attractions. In other words some people identify as gay, lesbian or straight but are bisexual in their emotional,romantic or sexual attractions and behaviors. Others may identify as pansexual, heteroflexible or a number of other variations that fall under the bisexual or Bi+ umbrella of identities that describe attraction or sexual behavior with more than one gender. When I use bisexual in my writings I am referring to anyone with bisexual attractions to more than one gender no matter how they may choose to label or identify their sexual orientation. Sometimes a gay husband is bisexual enough to be happily married to a woman.

Working together as a pathway to success

I believe mixed-orientation marriages can thrive when both partners commit to open communication, finding common ground, and redefining what a fulfilling relationship means to each of you. My own process of learning how to celebrate my bisexuality openly , honestly and with integrity while remaining happily married has been an incredible journey, and I have learned a lot along the way. We want others to experience the happiness my wife and I have found in our mixed-orientation marriage.

It takes two partners motivated to work together as partners and friends to find success. I believe the success stories will become more common as more people see examples of the dynamics that make successful mixed-orientation marriages work. We need to look at each mixed-orientation relationship to see whether it is meant to continue. For a substantial minority, the answer is yes, and what a tragedy if we don’t give it a chance. Our marriages are too important to not see whether a pathway to success can be found.

This is a process and a journey.

The evolution of a healthy, dynamic, mixed-orientation marriage requires going through a process. This process takes time and a lot of work, but many have found their own pathway to success and will say the work is worth it. Mixed-Orientation Marriage dynamics can be extremely complicated. Sometimes the challenges can be too great and for the happiness of everyone involved the best course is to separate or divorce and go their separate ways. That said giving your marriage every opportunity to succeed will often lead to greater peace than always wondering, “What if?” There is no single pathway to success,

One resource of many.

This is a story of my personal understanding of mixed-orientation relationship dynamics from a positive “pathways to success” perspective. I am not a credentialed mental health counselor and none of my writings should be considered professional advice. What I have to share is a lifetime of study and lived experience with bisexuality, gender variations, and the challenges and triumphs of mixed-orientation marriage. My own happy marriage and stories of thousands of others inspire the insights I share here.

This book is a sharing of what I have learned in almost 50 years of studying human relations and sexuality . I can not possibly cover this complex topic in a be all things to all people fashion so these articles should be used as simply a story of how one guy, and one couple found a way to make bisexuality and mixed-orientation marriage fabulous. Take what you can use and discard what you can’t.

When I make specific suggestions it should be understood that they are what personally worked for me or are a reflection of my understanding of how this works, your situation may well be different, Each of us needs to find our own pathway . My casual pull up a chair writing style should be looked at as listening to a friend sharing their experience in the hopes you might find a “Hey, I could see that as working for me” moment.

I recommend you surround yourself with as many life skills tools as possible and that includes your own personal professional counselor experienced in mixed-orientation relationships, support groups and finding as many other perspectives on the topic of mixed-orientation relationships and human sexuality as you can find.

My story is one of many. Let it spark your journey of discovery and finding the path that works for you.