Mixed-Orientation Marriage: Pathways to Success
The Line in the Sand
The first few days after disclosure or discovery of the bisexual, gay, or lesbian partner’s sexual orientation, many discussions take place about what this is going to do to the marriage dynamic. As is often said, the bisexual spouse is the same person as before; you just know more about them. Now that it is out in the open, the bisexual , gay or lesbian partner has a huge sense of relief, but at the same time, a great deal of anxiety about the future. If the bisexual, lesbian or gay spouse has been repressing his or her same-sex desires, he or she wonders whether finally there will be a way to satisfy that need. I describe it as being like an itch. If we can scratch the itch just a little bit, it does not seem to itch so badly, but if we can’t touch the itch, it will drive most of us mad.
The newly out bisexual, gay, or lesbian spouse in discussions with their straight spouse has choices that include celibacy, monogamy, monogamy with benefits, a friend with some sort of benefits, a friend with all the benefits, a closed loop relationship, a three-way relationship, an open marriage for one, an open marriage for both, and even a poly relationship where two become three. These are the most common solutions, and within each one, there are all kinds of additional variations. Determining which solution is best for a relationship requires lots of communication as partners and friends. The couple needs to take the approach, “Let’s work on this together to come up with a solution we can all be happy with.” It simply does not work if the situation is treated like a battle.
I have found it useful to use a line-in-the-sand model to identify where each partner stands on integrating the same-sex dynamic into the marriage. If there were no differences, there would be no need for this book, but it has been my experience that a lot of couples start off the first few weeks after discovery or disclosure with very different ideas on what it means to have a bisexual, gay or lesbian husband or wife in the relationship. This is understandable because the idea of a husband or wife having same-sex needs beyond their partner may be a total surprise that was not previously part of the evolution of the understanding of the relationship.
It may be that differences in ideas about how the mixed-orientation marriage will work will cause a gap between the spouse’s respective lines in the sand that lasts for weeks, months, or sadly, even years, while the couple works on other issues such as basic acceptance of the same-sex attraction. Eventually, though, work needs to begin on bringing these lines closer together. The movement is not consistent. Often, there will be two steps forward, time to see how or looks, and then a step back or a zig instead of a zag. Perhaps a couple tries something, and one of them says, “I thought I would be comfortable with that, but I’m not.” So, through a series of baby steps, the lines move about until one day, ideally, they end up close together. This is the magic point where both are happy. The odds are quite good that some compromise will be required, but both spouses hopefully can come to accept and be happy with the compromise.
It is important to note that there is not one single solution that works for every couple; each couple is different. Some bisexuals are perfectly happy simply being able to be themselves around their spouse. Some can be satisfied by using a sex toy, role playing, or being able to openly masturbate while watching gay or lesbian pornography. Others simply need a bisexual friend for what I call “Me too” and “I understand.” Still others need some sort of relationship with another bisexual, gay, or lesbian person. It is extremely important to understand that the line in the sand applies here as well. There are all kinds of relationships. Just because there is a person outside the marriage does not mean that relationships has to include anything-goes sex. This said, research shows that some sort of outlet for the bisexual, gay or lesbian spouse’s same-sex desire is a component of successful mixed-orientation marriages (Ben-Ari, 2010).
Two types of trust are required here. One is the bisexual, gay or lesbian partners trust in self to respect the agreed-upon boundaries. An important note here is that alcohol is famous for causing people to abandon boundaries. I suggest that extreme care be used around alcohol because this is serious stuff, and it is important to distinguish between authentic behavior done with a purpose and behavior that perhaps might not be in one’s best interests as a result of having too much to drink.
The other important element of trust is that the straight partner must completely trust their bisexual partner. The only way not to be miserable is to truly believe the bi partner is doing nothing more than what has been agreed upon. So if the bi partner is simply having a cup of coffee with a friend, their spouse needs to honestly believe that is what they are doing. If, instead, the straight spouse has visions of them in a motel room having sex, the straight spouse will never be happy. It is common for the same-sex attraction to come up in the first place because of the discovery of some sort of breach of trust, such as being caught in the act. What has happened before disclosure does not necessarily mean it will happen now that the bisexual, gay or lesbian spouse is out in the open but it is a legitimate concern.
It is hard to believe, but each baby step helps both partners determine whether they can be happy with that new position of the line in the sand. Relationships in which both are happy can move forward with a much greater likelihood of success. The key component seems to be acceptance of the bisexual/gay/lesbian partner as a bisexual/gay/lesbian, realizing, “This is who my spouse is, and I’m OK with that, and my spouse needs a way to be bisexual/gay/lesbian.” The difficult part is satisfying the bisexual/gay/lesbian spouse’s gay side while also meeting the straight partner’s needs in the marriage. We are seeking a win for everyone.
This is a nuts and bolts bisexual/gay/lesbian spouse toolbox chapter that probably will not be the easiest to read because I have yet to figure out the best way to present the content, but it covers several important concepts of a successful mixed-orientation marriage. It includes communication about what is needed to be happy, the role of compromise, the role of passage of time, and the magic of mutual happiness. The line is in sand, not granite, because very often the bi/gay/lesbian partner and the straight partner start from very different places, and some movement needs to take place somewhere for a happy center to be found.
As an example of extreme binary thinking, the straight spouse initially demands that no same-sex oriented behavior can be on the acceptable side of the line, whereas the bi/gay/lesbian spouse is desperately seeking some way to satisfy or celebrate their same-sex attraction.
The area that we are seeking agreement in often has several components. To find a point of mutual happiness, all we need is some overlap. While the range of acceptance will vary, each of us has in our heart an intellectual understanding, which is different from basic acceptance, which, in turn, is different from happy acceptance. In my life, I try to find my wife’s happy point, and I adjust my line in the sand to meet it. While I want to celebrate my same-sex needs, my wife needs to be happy about how I do that for me to be happy.
Society has created a model of what an ideal marriage should look like that fits 90% of society, whereas many of us in the other 10% fight a “we may be different but we are normal” battle. Looking at it another way, if I am in a room of 10 people and I am the only one who is bi/gay/lesbian, in any discussion, I will be seriously out-numbered. It is easy to feel that society supports the straight spouse. In this environment, the bi/gay/lesbian spouse is on the losing end of the discussion on day 1, and the next focus is the preservation of the relationship. “Either you meet me where I am, or you have to leave, and I have society and friends and family behind me.” This ultimatum does not even need to be spoken; it is simply understood, “This is what marriage is supposed to look like, so move to my line or get out.”
Many bi/gay/lesbian spouses who stay and want to make their mixed-orientation marriages work speak of their straight spouses as their soul mates and best friends. They love them so much they will do anything to keep that love; they don’t want to leave, so they make the greatest compromise possible even at the expense of their own happiness. How much the bi/gay/lesbian spouse gives up of themselves depends upon the degree of their need, The fact is, there will always be some sort of tug. Sometimes the bi/gay/lesbian spouse is given a gift, and the straight spouse immediately understands the bi/gay/lesbian spouse’s needs, and acceptance follows, but this is the exception. Usually there is a process of understanding that needs to take place over time.
Many straight spouses ask, “How do I know if my bi/gay/lesbian spouse will grow tired of white knuckling being straight and end up leaving me after all.” There is no crystal ball. Most of us are people pleasers and want our spouses to be happy, and life goes on, but at some point, some of us realize the clock of life is ticking, and soon it will be over, and we have never lived our life as the person we were born as.
Ideally, before we reach that point, our straight spouses will reach an understanding of what it means to be married to a bi/gay/lesbian partner, and they will want the same happiness for us as we want for them. With this meeting of the minds, the lines in the sand move closer.
I talk often of the importance of time in a mixed-orientation relationship. It takes time for both partners to understand the dynamics of a relationship in which one spouse has sexual needs that cannot necessarily be met by the other spouse. The trick is for the new relationship dynamics to get in sync before it runs out of time. Typically, as the straight spouse achieves greater understanding and starts to move toward more openness, the bi/gay/lesbian spouse realizes that the life they are looking for may not be very realistic, so in their willingness to compromise, they move toward their straight spouse’s ideal.
If the straight spouse can agree with a certain level of same-sex satisfaction but would happier if it was a little less, then the bi/gay/lesbian spouse has a choice: to push for more or to limit themselves to that happy point where the straight spouse says, “I’d be happy if you could be happy with that “happy point.” In a perfect world, they both have a happy point with the same behaviors.
This process of compromise places us at the almost “we all win” point in the evolution of the mixed-orientation marriage dynamic. There is a huge difference from the early days when it seemed we would never find common ground. The most successful mixed-orientation marriages I see seem to eventually reach this point of compromise where both end up in a happy place.
References
- Ben-Ari, Adler ,A. . (2010). Dialectics between Splitting and Integrating in the Lives of Heterosexually Married Gay Men. Psychology, 106-112.
