Keeping the happy in happy holidays and special events.

Many of the challenges to mixed-orientation marriage success revolve around interpersonal relationship dynamics and time management. Challenges definitely seem to increase during the holidays and other special events. Whether we celebrate our same-sex attraction monogamously or we have included  a friend or partner in our solution, holidays and special events disrupt our day to day  routine.

In some cases, these daily routines are carefully crafted to allow some time for the bisexual spouse to fill their same sex needs while at the same time keeping the straight spouse happy. The stresses of the holidays often leave everyone out of sync. More time at home visiting family and increased expectations can mean a full court press for others, which can leave both the bi and straight spouse feeling that their own personal needs are not being met. These challenges become easier to deal with when we are aware of the dynamics involved and improve our communication. Sort of a “Whoa, I know what’s happening here.” Examples of the stresses that I hear from others include bisexual men who are monogamous and who rely on private masturbation time for their bisexual or gay fantasies. However, a house full of visitors or a spouse home on vacation means no alone time for the bisexual  spouse. For couples whose same sex  solution is this alone time, it is important to communicate how that’s going to happen. A straight spouse who says, “I’m going out shopping with the kids and won’t be back for at least an hour, wink, wink, nod,” provides a tremendous gift to the bi spouse struggling for some alone time. Of course, it’s important for the gay, lesbian or bi spouse to return the favor, even if the other spouse just wants to sit and read a book and have a quiet hour. We all need some alone time, however we spend it.

For some mixed-orientation marriages, there is an outside gay, bisexual or lesbian  friend or partner, and it is important to understand the changes that occur in those relationship dynamics during the holidays. Family obligations increase, so that regular weekly visit might not happen, and even the regular phone calls may have to be put on hold. All involved need to be aware that this is a special situation and that, if handled correctly, all will soon return to normal. Our families and spouses should be our priority. In our day-to-day lives, we work out ways to make it so while also having enough time to visit our gay friend and partner. But with special events, time often just becomes too short. The point is that, if we are aware of the dynamics, we can understand what’s going on and work around it. The bi spouse can assure their gay, bi or lesbian  friend or partner that, in a week, the household will be back to normal and our special time will return.

Of course, we need to accommodate our friend’s or partner’s unique needs as well. If they are busy with their own family holiday traditions, it is easier for them to adjust if they are simply aware of what’s going on. If, however, you are your friend’s or partner’s day-to-day support, then it is important to work them into the holidays as well. Such accommodations are an expected part of this type of relationship.

The straight spouse can help by reassuring, “Yeah, I know it’s crazy around here, but the kids will be back in school in a few weeks, I’ll be back to work, and our routine will get back to normal.” This simple recognition that our bi/gay/lesbian life is not’t over will go a long ways toward keeping our mixed-orientation marriages fabulous. This is also a great time for the bi/gay/lesbian spouse to be aware of their spouse’s extra needs and perhaps skip that gay night out if it falls two days before a family celebration. At the very least, make sure the straight spouse is sincerely insisting you go anyway.

Clarity about the situation and good communication benefit both the straight and the bi/gay/lesbian spouses. By recognizing what’s going on, we eliminate resentment, and the bi/gay spouse happily provides the extra love and support around the home knowing that it’s a special occasion. Further, the straight spouse gets the extra help and support they need. With the assurance that things will return to a more balanced situation after the holidays or special event, a better time is had by all. This success all goes back to its not being the events that cause upsets, but our reaction to them.

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