Openness and Secrecy

Adir Adler and Ben-Ari in their article and research study "The Myth of Openness and Secrecy in Intimate Relationships: The Case of Spouses of Mixed- Orientation Marriage"  write about the dialectics of secrecy and openness,  that is secrecy and openness are not necessarily mutually exclusive . The secrecy is bad openness is good dichotomy is not the only way to look at the mixed-orientation dynamic. (Ben-Ari & Adler ,2016). There are many different ways that couples handle openness and secrecy in their mixed orientation marriage. One  element of secrecy is the issue of awareness of the same sex attraction by the straight spouse. Once the same sex attraction is known there are patterns of openness and secrecy regarding how the same sex attraction affects the relationship.

My discussion of openness and secrecy in mixed-orientation relationships is to help in awareness of observed patterns and underlying reasons for those patterns and not a specific recommendation because as I keep saying each situation has its own unique circumstances. The six patterns of openness and secrecy that Ben-Ari and Adir Adler identified in their study  included complete secrecy, conspiracy of silence, initiated concealment,disloyalty/violation of agreement, selective sharing and complete openness.(Ben-Ari & Adler ,2016).

 

Conspiracy of silence is basically when it is suspected that the straight spouse knows about the same sex attraction but it is never really discussed. The classic “we won't talk about elephant in the living room” , It turns out sometimes the straight spouse indeed does at some level know about the same sex attraction but sometimes they don’t.

Initiated concealment presents itself as separating ones straight life from their gay life and limiting intersections of the two, I describe it as our gay life and straight life existing in a sort of  parallel universe.  I believe this is common because of the conflicts that exist between the married straight life and the needs to celebrate one's same sex attraction. The multiple challenges of integrating same sex attraction into traditional heterosexual marriages manifests itself with this initiated concealment coming from different perspectives depending upon if the initiated concealment is initiated by the same sex attracted spouse of the straight spouse.

In the case of a bisexual or gay husband for example when they wish to keep their same sex world separate sometimes that suites the wives as the wifes preference  but other times it results in frustration because the wives want to address openly and mindfully.  When it is the straight wife with the initiated concealment there are other considerations including the moral views of same sex attraction.

Disloyalty/ violation of agreement happens when the gay,bisexual or lesbian spouse reach an agreement on how the same sex attraction is going to be handled and then due to a variety of circumstances then behaves outside the terms of the agreement. My anecdotal observation is this happens when the bisexual or gay spouse agrees to a boundary that does not actually meet their needs but is motivated to see the marriage  succeed. In most cases I believe the agreements are made in good faith but sometimes they are based on an unrealistic understanding of the need for same sex satisfaction.

Selective sharing is often part of the negotiated terms enabling a continued mixed orientation marriage. This could be don’t tell unless I ask or don’t ask don't tell or any number of other ways to make the same sex activities palatable to the straight spouse. For example a spouse might say “ I want to know who and where but the what is too much information.” When this selective sharing is by mutual agreement it can be a common way to make MOMS work. Ben-Ari & Adler’s study found complete openness to be relatively rare in mixed-orientation marriages and seem to advocate an openness of those in the counseling profession to be more open to many different options and   degrees of openness based on the individuals, their specific relationship dynamics and cultural influences.

In summary openness and secrecy are not as simple a component of a mixed-orientation marriage as many would believe.   It is my observation that these six patterns are not simply final resting points but that openness and secrecy is part of  dynamic process and that it is not unusual to progress through several of these elements and even revisiting some over the life of the relationship

References

Adler, A., Ben-Ari, A. (2016). The Myth of Openness and Secrecy in Intimate Relationships: The Case of Spouses of Mixed-Orientation Marriage. Journal of Homosexuality, 64(6), 804-824. doi:10.1080/00918369.2016.1236585

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