Monogamy /Non-monogamy and Mixed-Orientation Relationships

The needs of the bisexual , gay, lesbian and straight partners for a monogamous relationship or for varying degrees of non-monogamy are very individual in nature and the dynamics and belief systems of each mixed-orientation relationship will help determine the best solution for that couple. The default model for traditional relationships that do not have a mixed-orientation component is usually monogamy and sexual exclusiveness between the two partners. No matter how much exploring one might have done as young adults the only socially acceptable model presented to most was to find “the one” and settle down. Most of us in mixed-orientation relationships never even knew that having a relationship with  more than one  gender in our life at a time was an option which is how many of us ended up in mixed orientation relationships to begin with.

Often the evolution of a mixed-orientation marriage requires a renewed look at the role of monogamy in our relationships and this is especially true when the need for sexual satisfaction from a gender other than ones spouse becomes part of the discussion. The topic of monogamy is often a source of stress in evolving mixed-orientation relationships and it is helpful to look at how this dimension fits in our lives.

I find it easier to discuss this complicated topic in an in person lecture or discussion group setting but so many struggle with these issues I will attempt to explain these complicated dynamics here. This article makes no value judgment about monogamy or non-monogamy and I am not advocating or promoting one belief system over another instead it is an article about the interplay of peoples own understanding of these multiple dimensions and that interplay’s role in a pathway to mutual happiness .

Writing on the topic of monogamy and non-monogamy presents several challenges. First as you will see below our views about monogamy often change with time so what these chapters mean today may mean something completely different a year from now. The other challenge is some mixed orientation marriages find success and happiness from monogamy, some find happiness through some form of non-monogamy and some find happiness in a journey that contains monogamy for some periods of time and non-monogamy for others.

In any case it is not a question of whether mixed orientation marriages can be happy successful relationships that are monogamous or non-monogamous, of course they all can , but we need to understand the role of these belief systems as they interplay with our respective sexual needs in finding the paths to happiness. I am a firm believer that the personal happiness of both the husband and wife in mixed-orientation relationship is an important part of a successful mixed-orientation marriage. I hope some examples of relationship dynamics that make the pathway to success easier and what makes success more of a challenge will help in our understanding our own pathways to success.

I find it helpful to look at our belief systems about monogamy as a separate but related dimension of our sexuality. Bisexuality is an umbrella term that covers a wide variety of identities and behaviors and certain types of bisexuality are perfectly suited for monogamous relationships and some are more suited for a non-monogamous relationship. This chart and explanation attempts to show the interplay between bisexual needs, core personality and societal belief systems.

Concurrent or Sequential Bisexual

The first question to be answered is “Is there even the potential need for a non-monogamous relationship?” The type of bisexual same sex attraction will influence the degree and importance of the monogamy/non-monogamy dimension. Sequential bisexuals who in an over simplification typically connect to partners because of who they are and not their gender by their very nature can easily live anywhere on the monogamous to non-monogamous spectrum. Many sequential bisexuals live very happy lives in traditional monogamous marriages.

Concurrent bisexuals by their nature have needs from more than one gender at a time. When concurrent bisexuals also have a degree of non-monogamy as part of their personality makeup their needs as a concurrent bisexual and their ability to meet those needs through responsible non-monogamy are in alignment. If on the other hand they have needs from more than one gender and their partner meets only some of those needs and they fall on the monogamous end of the monogamous/non-monogamous dimension then a hierarchy of needs may be established and their sometimes is an internal unresolved conflict between the bisexual needs and their monogamous relationship style. This is why some concurrent bisexuals must have same sex satisfaction with another person besides their spouse and why others are happier in monogamous relationships. It can be helpful for the mixed orientation couple be open to the many different ways same sex attraction presents itself.

Monogamous / Non-Monogamous as core personality type or social teaching.

One question that is often never asked is “Is our relationship Monogamous because of our individual  core personality types or is it because of societal or religious teachings?” The distinction is important because presumably our degrees of monogamy or non-monogamy might be a fixed and immutable part of who we are or it might be a learned construct that might change.

When one examines the monogamous/non-monogamous dimension of our sexuality it may help to differentiate between core personality and learned societal and religious teachings. I find that many people have never looked at anything other than monogamous relationships so there is a learning process to separate the two. Most of us were taught that monogamy is the only proper way to have a relationship so even with non-monogamous core ideals many are monogamous because that’s how society has told everyone that is who we must be. The monogamous model works fine for many but some such as concurrent bisexuals may at some point start to feel other needs and reexamine their ideas about monogamy and non-monogamy.

Learned monogamy looks very similar to core personality monogamy and it requires mindful self-reflection to determine where we fall on the learned vs core continuum. Of course there is a reason why monogamous relationships are the societal norm and that is they are simpler to keep intact. In theory If we don’t insert the complexity of adding others it should be easier to manage the relationship. Many relationships end due the influences of an outside affair but this is a different situation. The needs of the husband and wife are different in a mixed orientation marriage and to make a mixed orientation marriage happy may require taking the risk of making it more complicated. I look at it as if the marriage may fail without mutual happiness anyway it is worth seeing if an alternative pathway to that mutual happiness can be found to save the relationship?

Monogamy / Non-Monogamy and our relationships.

In a mixed orientation relationship especially where one person has needs for sexual satisfaction from another gender ones ideas about monogamy and non-monogamy need to be considered in conjunction with our spouses ideas about monogamy. For example if the bisexual spouse is non-monogamous and the straight spouse also is non-monogamous then there should be no relationship issues with the other spouses needs. If the straight spouse is monogamous then we need to determine is it learned monogamy with a core non monogamous. If that is the case does the straight spouse have the desire or ability to unlearn their monogamous teachings to align with their non-monogamous core and their bisexual spouses needs. Often we can’t tell until we go through the process. This self evaluation and reflection process is a learning process that may take several years and we won’t know the answer until we try. Once the process is complete if the straight spouse discovers that they are both non monogamous at their core and have learned to accept non-monogamy as their learned belief system then again the mixed orientation relationship has a possible pathway to mutual happiness.
Adding to the complicated nature of this process is that even if in fact the core personality type is monogamous then an examination needs to be made is it monogamy for themselves and everyone else or can some degree of non-monogamous behavior become acceptable even as they themselves lead a monogamous life. Of course even if a straight spouse is open to non-monogamy for others there are “others” and then there is ones husband or wife. For some straight spouses that makes a difference for others it does not. It is important to note that like many aspects of our sexuality our degrees of monogamy falls on a continuum.  And that can often allow for sufficient acceptable avenues to satisfy same sex needs.

Each couple is different. When we are examining the possible need for a non-monogamous relationship we also should look at the straight spouse’s needs. Sometimes in mixed orientation relationships especially those where sexual intimacy is lacking due to same sex attraction it is the straight spouse who has sexual needs outside the relationship. This model of learned and core personality applies here as well. All this said fairness always dictates that if it is OK for one partner to have an outside relationship it should be OK for the other. There are always risks to our relationships and we need to balance the risks with the benefits.

The important takeaway is to take the time to mindfully examine these various  dimensions to our sexuality to determine actual needs for happiness vs how others have said you should be. It is your relationship and it can be shaped in the ways that meet who you are.

The idea behind the “line in the sand” model is to allow time for this process of understanding our personal belief systems to unfold while providing for compromise and meeting halfway along the way, The ultimate goal I believe is the win win , we are both happy. Understanding the dimensions of our sexuality and relationship style I believe will help us see if a pathway to success is possible.
To summarize A sequential bisexual who is monogamous and wants just one partner at a time, will handle bisexuality very differently from a non-monogamous concurrent bisexual who has needs that can only be met by more than one person. Both these groups are bisexual, but they have different needs. Both concurrent bisexuals and sequential bisexuals can have successful mixed-orientation relationships, but their pathways to success may be very different.

It is silly for a couple to get all in a tizzy just because their partner has come out as bisexual, without looking at what that means to their specific relationship. What if the straight spouse is fully supportive of a polyamorous or non-monogamous relationship? The concurrent bisexual is then facing a non-issue. What if the straight spouse is totally against open relationships and their bisexual spouse is a sequential bisexual also with no interest in outside sex? Again, we have a non-issue and an easy pathway to success. Once acceptance has been achieved, the relationship dynamics are pretty straight forward.

Where it gets more complicated is when the straight spouse does not want to entertain the idea of sharing their spouse with a same-sex partner, yet the bisexual partner has unmet needs to do so. When this is the case, the bisexual partner needs to determine if his or her needs can be met within the marriage. This is a difficult question to answer, and in many cases, we won’t know until we try it. In some cases, enough ways to satisfy same-sex needs can be found to provide satisfaction for the long term. In other cases, it proves to not be enough. One important aspect of this situation is that, often, by the time it is discovered the bisexual spouse needs more, the relationship is ready for more. In other words, after five years of living with an out bisexual spouse, there is a very different understanding about what that means. Nothing helps understanding more than personal experience.

Monogamous mixed orientation relationships can work just fine for couples where that is what they want. First, simply having the secret no one must know out in the open is huge. Acceptance of who we are by our spouse is vitally important to our self-esteem, and that alone can go a long way toward making a better marriage.

The Mindful Monogamy Option

Mindful Monogamy, also known as conscious monogamy is a monogamous marriage or relationship that is monogamous by the mindful choice of the partners after a conscious review of all their relationship options.  Mindful monogamy is a free choice and not because of external "that's the way its supposed to be pressures." My discussion above about understanding  core belief systems  vs teachings about  monogamy are examples of making our relationship options  a free will informed choice and not a relationship escalator reaction. When a couple chooses monogamy because it most meets their collective needs it is done with love and it helps remove the resentment that can be found in marriages where one feels stuffed into a monogamous box they don't belong.

Mindful monogamy can also be a result of a self analysis of our hierarchy of needs. In other words while we may have a strong need to have sexual satisfaction from someone with a gender other than our spouse there may be other needs that are more important. If ones religion mandates monogamy in marriage and one believes their salvation is dependent upon that then that need may be more important than the sexual needs. The point of mindful monogamy is that it is essential that one internalize the decision as what is best for themselves and their marriage. This mindful review can also lead to an easier acceptance of other relationship styles. Remember this is our marriage we get to choose what it looks like for ourselves, no one else should tell us how to do our marriages.

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