Introduction

Mixed-Orientation Marriage: Pathways to Success comprises a series of writings for husbands and wives in mixed-orientation marriages  who both wish to stay together and are seeking strategies to make their relationships stronger, more satisfying, and happier. Very little has been written about mixed-orientation relationships from a we can do this,pathway-to-success point of view, so it is my hope to make a much needed contribution to the literature. In a mixed-orientation relationship, the partners in the relationship have differing sexualities. Most commonly, one partner is bisexual, gay, or lesbian and the other is heterosexual. Sometimes, one partner is lesbian or gay, and the other is bisexual. In other couples, one is asexual or the two simply have different sexual interests. Couples with differences in sexual orientation or sexual interests  can often improve their relationships if they can  find a pathway for mutual happiness despite those differences.

Writing that accounts for the wide variety of sexualities and relationship styles that arise in a mixed-orientation marriage presents many challenges and while my focus will be on mixed-orientation marriages with a bisexual husband many of the challenges and pathways to success that I write about may also be relevant to those who identify as gay and lesbian. I address this topic further in the “Is My Partner Bisexual Enough" post. While the word gay is often used as an inclusive term to include a variety of sexual orientations including bisexuals and lesbians there are many who feel that  the inclusive gay label contributes to bisexual erasure so in my writing I will often use the term bisexual instead of gay as an umbrella term to include anyone who is attracted to their husband or wife and another gender no matter how that may present itself.

Many bisexuals are very aware that there is often a complex interplay between sexual orientation and gender identity. While I often refer to men and women or male and female attraction , our gender is much more complex than that, While society likes these nice neat Male/Female boxes we do not live in a that world. Bisexuals sometimes have a variation in gender identity just as their attraction can also be to those with variations in gender. I hope to improve the handling of gender in future revisions.

Throughout the world, society holds negative attitudes about bisexuals and mixed-orientation marriages. One reason for these misguided views is the lack of visible role models of couples with various differing sexual orientations living in successful, happy relationships. The newcomer to working out issues in their own mixed-orientation marriage is often discouraged by the widespread message of “There is no hope, run!” It seems the concept of a successful mixed-orientation marriage is relatively new and largely unknown.

My own process of learning how to celebrate my bisexuality openly , honestly and with integrity while remaining happily married has been an incredible journey, and I have learned a lot along the way. I want others to experience the happiness my wife and I have found in our mixed-orientation marriage. This is why I present workshops on the joys of living as a bisexual at various conferences and classes. My writings represent a further effort to provide other couples with tools and strategies to increase their own relationship success.

While I believe some of what I write here may help some couples in their mixed-orientation relationships,  it takes two partners  motivated to work together to find success. We should  recognize that for a wide variety of reasons, not every mixed-orientation marriage or relationship has the dynamics necessary to find a pathway to stay together and for the happiness of everyone involved some couples may decide the challenges are too great and may decide it is best to separate or divorce and go their separate ways. That said, I believe the success stories will become more common as more people see examples of the dynamics that make successful mixed-orientation marriages work. We need to look at each mixed-orientation relationship to see whether it is meant to continue. For a substantial minority, the answer is yes, and what a tragedy if we don’t give it a chance. Our marriages are too important to not see whether a pathway to success can be found. Better to try and not have it work out than to always wonder, what if?

The evolution of a healthy, dynamic, mixed-orientation marriage requires going through a process. This process takes time and a lot of work, but many have found their own pathway to success and will say the work is worth it. Mixed-Orientation Marriage dynamics can be extremely complicated ,There is no single pathway to success, Take what you can use and discard what you can’t.

This is a story of my personal understanding of mixed-orientation relationship dynamics from a positive we can do this perspective. While I have been studying human sexuality and have been helping others understand our sexuality for over 40 years I am not a PhD, psychologist or credentialed mental health counselor and none of my writings should be considered professional advice. These writings are not a replacement for your own professional counseling and support network.  What I do have to share here is personal experience with the dynamics that make up successful mixed-orientation relationships ,experience with variations in gender and personal experience with bisexual sexual orientation and I want to share some of what I have learned. I live in my own happy mixed-orientation marriage and I have listened to hundreds of stories of others traveling this journey. This book is simply a sharing of what I have learned. I can not possibly cover this complex topic in a be all things to all people fashion so these articles should be used as simply a story of how one guy, and one couple found a way to make bisexuality and mixed-orientation marriage fabulous.

When I make specific suggestions it should be understood they are what personally worked for me or are a reflection of my understanding of how this works, your situation may well be different, Each of us needs to find our own pathway . My folksy pull up a chair writing style should be looked at as listening to a friend sharing their experience in the hopes you might find a “Hey, I could see that as working for me” moment.

I recommend you surround yourself with as many life skills tools as possible and that includes your own personal professional counselor experienced in mixed-orientation relationships, support groups as well as finding as many other perspectives on the topic of mixed-orientation relationships and human sexuality as you can find. I hope to be just one positive voice of many with some ideas that that might help you and your relationship find a pathway to success..

Next article Mixed-Orientation Marriage Success