Mixed-Orientation Marriage Success

I am constantly amazed by the number of bisexual and straight spouses in mixed-orientation marriages who are surprised that staying together is an option. “You can do that? Who knew?” they say. This lack of knowledge about mixed-orientation marriage success is a result of the large number of bisexuals still in the closet, which is why hiding who we are is so detrimental to society.

Our goal is to find a pathway to success so that marriages don’t end needlessly over differences in sexual orientation. There is a reason why we married each other in the first place, and variations in sexual orientation do not necessarily change that reason. I don’t know any couples who say the only reason they got married was great sex. So one needs to ask oneself: Why, now, have sex and sexual orientation become the overriding measures of a successful relationship? While  sexual intimacy is an important part of many relationships there are many different ways to fit our differing sexuality into our marriages and relationships.

We can change attitudes about mixed-orientation marriages. It starts with learning from others who have found success and saying, “Hey, I want one of those too!” and then setting about to make it happen. One should not get caught up in the negative statistics showing a high rate of failure. As one wife said to her husband, “What makes you think we won’t be one of the ones that make it?” Indeed, there was nothing preventing them from becoming yet another success story. And there is nothing stopping anyone else. Simply look for one of the many ways to make it happen. Many mixed-orientation marriages have lasted 10, 20, 30, 40, and even 50 years; it is worth moving mountains and parting seas to make them work.

When a bisexual spouse can lead a self-actualized, fulfilled life with integrity, it can bring that person unbelievable personal happiness. That personal happiness then permeates the relationship, and the mixed-orientation marriage can emerge with both partners happier than before.

Building a mixed-orientation relationship based on honesty and integrity does indeed require hard work, and in the rawness of a newly discovered mixed-orientation marriage, it may seem like we will never get there, but in time and with the proper steps, sometimes these marriages  can be happier than ever.

A huge part of the development of our sexual orientations is being able to live our lives honestly and authentically as the persons we really are, not the persons others wish we were. Acceptance of one’s gay, lesbian, or bisexual self is a core component of a successful mixed-orientation marriage. Note that accepting sexual orientation is not just about sexual activity. Being bisexual, gay or lesbian  is who we are  and not just about what we do. What we do sexually with our bisexuality is a separate issue and mutually agreeable ways of satisfying our sexual needs is a challenge that also needs to be resolved, but core acceptance is an essential part of success .

Growing up denying the part of oneself that is sexually attracted to one’s same gender is exhausting, and it eventually wore me out. No wonder so many gay, lesbian, and bisexual people battle depression, alcohol abuse, and even suicide. We eventually get tired of being sick and tired. I have learned this was all so unnecessary. All that is required is that we throw out the shame and guilt and accept ourselves. Then we need to support those who love us to do the same thing. Acceptance of our sexuality by those we love can be one of the hardest struggles we face in our mixed-orientation marriages, yet it is at the very core of our pathway to success.

I was very lucky that eventually my wife realized for herself that having a bisexual husband really didn’t change things except for the better. That change for the better didn’t happen until she could fully accept who I am. This acceptance included the trust to let me have bisexual and gay friends so I could celebrate my bisexual side. We all have different needs; one of my greatest needs is simply to have friends who understand what it means to live in the world being sexually attracted to men along with a wife who embraces that part of my journey. These friends add to my life and take nothing away from my relationship with my wife.

In the early days of a couple’s adjustment to a newly out-of-the-closet bisexual, gay or lesbian spouse, huge questions are understandable and to be expected about how the new relationship dynamic is going to work. But eventually, the acceptance must follow, leading to mutually agreeable ways to live our lives with happiness and joy.

I struggle with what to tell others in newly discovered mixed-orientation marriages about what they can expect in their own relationships. In some newly evolving mixed-orientation marriages I see that the straight spouse’s initial response is “It is fine you are bisexual but forget about living life that way.” What does living life “that way” mean anyway? Determining how we are going to live our lives is one of the challenges to be met, and that takes time. Each person needs to decide how long is long enough to give to working out these challenges, as well as how much change is needed. But ultimately, personal happiness and fulfillment require a point of mutual happiness to be found. If after all our efforts the differences cannot be reconciled perhaps it is time to acknowledge those differences and try something different for our lives, such as ending the relationship and moving on but I believe it is worth trying everything else first. Life is not a dress rehearsal; it took me 53 years to realize it, but I did, in time, and I am thrilled that my wife is joining me for the rest of the journey.

Our pathway to success comes down to whether both the husband and the wife desire more than anything else to make the marriage work. If they do, then they can, but if one spouse wants it to work “my way or the highway,” then it becomes more difficult. We need to approach our mixed-orientation marriages from a success and acceptance perspective. A can-do attitude will beat a woe-is-me attitude every day. Looking back, it is clear to me that acceptance of all of me was essential to our success.

The secret to a successful mixed-orientation relationship is to find a solution that has both partners happy and in a better place than before the differing sexual orientation was known. We want the classic win-win solution. The concept of a partner’s feeling happy when their partner is happy is essential, but it often will require a change in basic thinking. In our society, we may be raised to expect our partner to meet 100% of our needs. This is simply not realistic. When one partner likes to sew and the other to climb mountains, or when one likes to fish and the other to play tennis, we don’t say this marriage will never work. Yet when differences in sexuality come up, many relationships enter the all-or-nothing negative  binary thinking. Often in mixed-orientation marriages, the partners provide each other with love and friendship, share hobbies and family, and feel they are soul mates and there is no one they would rather be with. The only issue is their sexual orientations do not match. It strikes me as very odd that anyone would want to throw away all that good just because one of the partners is gay, lesbian, or bisexual. Instead, ideally, they should work toward understanding and accepting each other’s needs and preferences and search for ways to make the marriage work..

Such understanding and acceptance are needed because both partners in a relationship should be allowed to lead self-fulfilled and self-actualized lives. Expecting people to deny their sexuality is asking them to abandon a part of themselves and not live their lives to the fullest. Demanding this of one’s partner does not speak of love. More positively, couples who recognize that their husband or wife is the person they are most supposed to be with can be inspired to work to accommodate their differing sexual orientations and sexual needs.

Each couple needs to work out for themselves their own pathway but  at a minimum, the gay, lesbian, or bisexual partner should be accepted as the person they are. In addition we need to understand that each gay, lesbian, or bisexual person has unique needs and  the couple should find, over time, mutually agreeable ways to satisfy the various needs  of their bisexuality. This  process of course needs to include the feelings and needs of the straight spouse.  As partners and friends, the couple should work out solutions from a position of love.To be clear I am not  asking either the straight spouse or the LGBTQ+ spouse to give up who they are or their own personal happiness,  instead I ask that they work together to see if together both can create a happier more rewarding relationship. The solution needs to be one that says, “I’m happy, you’re happy.”

 

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