Ride the Seesaw Balancing needs in our relationships.

In addition to empathy, we also need to learn to balance the often-conflicting needs that occur in a mixed-orientation relationship. Having a bisexual husband or wife in a marriage adds demands to the relationship, and it is easy for things to get unbalanced. My wife has given me the greatest gift I could ever ask for because she accepts my bisexuality and is happy that I am living my life as the person I really am . It is a two-way street: In exchange for this gift, a gift I never thought I would see in a million years, I do everything in my power to make each and every day the best it can be for her. With something this amazing happening to me in my life, it is my pleasure and joy to return the favor to my wife.

A discussion about the seesaw might be in order at this point. In this analogy, we have the bisexual husband’s stuff on one side, and enough of the wife’s stuff gets piled on the other side to make it balance. I would guess it takes quite a lot on the wife’s side, such as the husband’s taking on more cooking and home care, and providing more personal care for his wife. Perhaps an extra ladies nights out with friends gets added to the list. Once a couple’s lives are brought into balance, things can really change for the better for everyone. Then, if the bisexual husband needs a gay night out with the boys, instead of resentment, he might just get a wife who is genuinely happy for him because of all the joy he brings to the marriage day in and day out.

It is very hard to be resentful when your bisexual husband or wife is the most amazing person you know, regardless of sexuality. So that is my goal, to make myself an amazing and awesome husband so that a little thing like my being bisexual isn’t even a blip on the radar. Bisexual spouses make great husbands, and wives, our mission is to prove it.

I never would have been happy doing anything related to my bisexuality if my wife hadn’t been happy for me. One of my favorite expressions is that it is not the events that cause upsets, it is our reactions to them. I did my best to honor the commitment to our marriage but subsequently, she saw how much I struggled; she saw the brooding. Through baby steps, she said, “You know what, I don’t see what’s wrong with your going out to dinner with some of your bi and gay friends.” She genuinely was happy that I was happy, and so I went. Each step of our journey has included an “I am happy you are happy” kind of moment; we each want the other to spend their days better because they are with us. And that is how our mixed-orientation marriage has evolved.

We cannot control our partners’ feelings, but we can work together to help those feelings develop positively. I struggled with what I can do to make my wife truly feel that having a bisexual husband is a good thing. As it turns out, she started seeing it for herself. I try and be an amazing husband in every other way. Why? Because she has given me the greatest gift any bisexual husband could ever ask for: I get to live my life as the person I was born as and still spend my days with my wife, best friend, and soul mate.

Readers may have seen some of the negative spouses refer to all these efforts to make our spouses day a better day "love bombing" like its some sort of manipulation. That is pure nonsense, when you love someone of course you will try and make them happy.

This whole mixed-orientation marriage thing can be like a tape recorder; press play, and “Woe is me, my life is over.” Keep playing the same tape, and it is going to be the same sad song. In our case, we learned to play a new and better tape, much better and happier all around.

Perhaps there is a way to look at the events of your own mixed-orientation marriage differently; perhaps there is a way to make a list of all the good things in your marriage, add on a few more good things you would like to see, and then, just maybe, the attitude could be, ”My husband is so amazing, I couldn’t possibly hold him back for such a little thing as his being bi/gay.” This is the seesaw effect; we need to pile so much good stuff on one end of the seesaw that it balances the nonheterosexual stuff on the other end. As my wife says it is a two-way street; if I can make her happy, then of course, she will make me happy even if it is in unconventional ways.

A successful mixed-orientation marriage is one where both the husband and wife feel they are happy and self-actualized. Success and happiness may not seem possible in the beginning, but many of us find the way, especially when we go out of our way to show empathy for each other.

Previous Empathy works best when it is shared.| Next Why does a bisexual marry a straight spouse?