Open relationships and new relationship energy.

A common challenge in open relationships is dealing with NRE or new relationship energy. It is extremely important that everyone be aware of NRE in open relationships. A mixed-orientation marriage with an open relationship is not looking to replace the primary partners. We are adding to our tapestry of relationships, but the unique nature of NRE can make it seem like the new person has indeed taken over our spouse like some sort of zombie force.

How do you recognize NRE? If you think back to your teenage years and those passionate falling in love moments when you worshiped the very ground your girlfriend or boyfriend walked on, that was new relationship energy. It was all you could talk about, he/she was the smartest, most amazing person in the world, it became all consuming, and perhaps your friends and family said enough already. In short, it looks like the person experiencing NRE has lost their mind. This is a very vulnerable time for our primary partner so we need to be very aware of NRE and tools for coping with it.

The good news is that true NRE usually settles down after a while. Of course, their hair is perfect; they just spent an hour getting ready. Three months later, it is Saturday morning and they are running around with bed hair and out come the sweat pants; this kind of puts a damper on the NRE. Reality sets in, The new person may be special, but so is our primary partner.

When we are aware of NRE, we can talk about it and that is also an important coping mechanism. “Honey, remember when we talked about NRE? Well, you just mentioned Billy like a 100 times in the last half hour; let’s talk about NRE.” As the new relationship unfolds, we need to pay special attention to our primary partner and make an effort to remind them they are the most amazing person in our life.

A useful technique is to use a cognitive trigger approach to NRE awareness. If you find yourself mentioning the new person’s name too many times in a short period of time, let your self-talk reign it in, sort of, “Whoa, sounds like NRE to me, time to cool it.”

A common tactic that I learned from a lecture by Tristan Taormino (2008, 2011) author of Opening Up is to redirect the NRE to our primary partner. We have all that euphoria and energy; why not put it to use to make the existing relationship better. When we are happy, we are more pleasant to be around. When we make that happiness about our primary partner, that energy then becomes a good thing for the relationship.

New relationship energy is a common aspect of any new relationship. If we are aware of what it is, we can look for it and then use the tools in our toolbox to cope with it in a proactive and productive way.

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