Bisexuality—More than one way to live our lives with happiness and joy.

At long last, our world is becoming more accepting of the gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender people living in our society. Increasing numbers of bisexuals who are married to heterosexual spouses are coming out of the closet, ready to really start living their lives authentically. The lack of role models for success has resulted in a difficult journey for many, but in the end, many of us are finding pathways to success. It is important to understand that, if you put ten bisexuals in a room and ask them to tell you what it means to be bisexual, you may very well get ten different answers. This is why I am so fond of saying my bisexual identity is nothing more than a conversation starter because, to know who I really am, you need to pull up a chair and chat a spell. Our stories represent who we are, and we all have important stories to share.

Although it is an overly simplistic representation of the large variety of ways bisexuals live their lives, it can be helpful to take a look at the idea of sequential and concurrent bisexuals. In simplest terms, a sequential bisexual falls in love with the person and not the gender. Sequential bisexuals often have to deal with erasure because, while they are with a partner of one gender their attraction to the other gender becomes invisible. This results in others’ trying to define us: “You must be straight if you are with an opposite-sex partner,” some say, or “I knew it, you were gay all along, even when you were with a same-sex partner,” others say.

Sequential bisexuals know all about the consequences of the erasure that this mistaken rush to judgment creates. While invisibility occurs passively when no one can see who we are, erasure of our bisexuality is far more hideous because it is done to us. Our bisexual identity is erased by someone else’s mistaken belief that who we are with at a given moment defines who we are. The false stereotypes are perhaps the biggest challenge facing sequential bisexuals because, by their very definition, bisexuals are happy with their current partner’s gender no matter what it is. This doesn’t change the fact that they are bisexual one bit.

Concurrent bisexuals face additional challenges and stereotypes. Concurrent bisexuals discover at some point that no one gender will satisfy them. Concurrent bisexuals need the best of more than one gender in their lives at the same time. It is the concurrent bisexual who traditionally has faced some of the greatest impact from stereotypes and negative remarks about bisexuality. We are labeled as promiscuous or selfish or that we never grew up. The list of hurtful remarks due to these false stereotypes is endless. From the constant barrage of hateful remarks, many of us became exhausted and surrender to society’s expectations. In my case as well as countless others, it was simply easier to deny who we are to fit societal expectations. Sequential bisexuals have even been known to distance themselves from concurrent bisexuals by feeding into the stereotypes and saying we give bisexuals a bad name. We need to understand that our stories are varied and individual. Even labeling us as sequential or concurrent bisexuals is a poor representation and does a huge disservice to us because our relationships and needs are varied and complicated way beyond such a simple binary definition. As I am fond of saying, a bisexual is who I am, not what I do.

When I came of age in the 70s, there were no role models for bisexuals, and it was assumed that I would have to choose to live my life as either a straight or gay person. Like many, I was taught the big lie that bisexuality was a choice, and since I had fallen in love with a woman, the choice seemed easy. As most of us who were born as concurrent bisexuals now know, a relationship is not a simple either–or choice for us; we need some sort of “and” in our lives. I have a distinct emotional or sexual need to have more than simply a male OR  female gender in my life. I was born this way; I have always been this way. Society tried to stuff me in a heterosexual box where I didn’t belong. Like so many, I struggled for decades resisting who I was, and I spent years living a life according to a script that was not mine. I am fortunate that, nine years ago, I had some sort of epiphany. I simply woke up one day with acceptance and finally understood there is no shame in being born bisexual. We do, in fact, fall in love with the person we fall in love with, and we are sexually attracted to who we are attracted to, and sometimes, that involves more than one gender. Sometimes, all we need from others cannot be met by one particular person.

Accepting that we are all part of the rich tapestry of human beings is essential for the personal happiness of all of us. It is a huge injustice when 98% of the population wants to dictate how the 2% minority, who are not like them, have to live their lives. I am in that 2% and don’t believe my life and the right to determine how I live it are any less important than anyone else’s. Thank goodness, times have changed and society is accepting that all our lives are equally important and we are all entitled to personal happiness. Even as a concurrent bisexual male, there are many ways I can satisfy my sexual attraction to men while remaining a wonderful husband to my wife. My sex life is indeed very private and I have no intention of sharing those intimate details here, but let me simply say that our sex lives are not binary either. We do not live in a world of “sex/not sex;” there is a whole range of sexuality, and much of it is easily celebrated with love and understanding beyond the scope of typical binary thinking.

Living “out” as a self-actualized, happily married bisexual lets me serve as a role model for the next generation. There is nothing sadder to me than seeing a marriage between two loving people either never happen or fall apart after decades of marriage because the couple didn’t know that bisexuals can have wonderful marriages and that mixed-orientation marriages can be fabulous relationships.

Bisexuals do have a choice: they can choose whether to live their lives exactly as the persons they were created to be. We all deserve the chance to love and be loved, and I thank God every day I was given this chance. I hope that many more of us will follow because, once people get to know us, they can understand and accept us. When we live our lives openly and honestly, our parents, children, and friends can understand that bisexuals are normal, everyday people, and acceptance can follow. And as our partners come to know that living authentic, self-actualized lives brings love and joy to each day we are granted, we become much better husbands and wives.

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