Adding a Positive Voice to Mixed-Orientation Marriage Support Groups

Can we make mixed orientation marriage support groups a more positive experience?

I have been a member of various support groups, forums and online mail lists that offer mixed-orientation marriage support since 2007. They are a valuable resource but their very nature presents challenges to those of us looking for a positive support experience. Some groups  have come and gone and for most there has been an ebb and flow of relevancy and value over the years. These groups are peer support groups and the nature and success of the groups is a reflection on the members and their posts  at any given point in time. Of course the tone of the messages will reflect the individual needs of the members and their situations at the moment. When several members are in very difficult situations at the same time it can seem like the group isnt really about a  pathway to success, more like picking up the pieces.

One thing that has always puzzled me is how some marriages transition from crises to unbelievable joy and happiness even as they accommodate the needs of the gay,lesbian or bisexual spouse. I wish we could waive a magic wand and find out how to get to fabulous. In any case it has become more evident that some groups are more positive pathways to success groups than others and I have been reflecting on why that is.

Birds of a feather flock together

The most positive groups I have seen lately are the various Facebook mixed-orientation marriage and relationship groups. This postive upbeat nature seems to exist among all the straight and the LGBTQ+ members. I think there are a couple of reasons why the Facebook groups tend to be more positive. A big factor is because they are more affinity or birds of a feather oriented whether their mixed-orientation marriages are wonderful or newly discovered there is a "Its wonderful to be with others like me" tone to these groups . Facebook as a social network has people networking all aspects of their mixed-orientation marriages, not just the challenges. The traditional mail list support groups on the other hand are more specific to support, once the issues get resolved one way or the other the members tend to move on. Support group mail lists don't have a lot of here are all the wonderful things that happened to me this week status updates. Unless some of the success stories stick around and post about their success we lose the positive mixed-orientation marriages can be fabulous voices and it begins to sound like all mixed-orientation marriages are train wrecks.

In the past a few kind souls who found success in their own marriages stuck around these groups to be a positive voice for the newcomers. I don't see as many of those type posts on the older email type lists these days and  I think that changed with the introduction of mixed-orientation groups on Facebook and other social media sites. When we have a wonderful mixed-orientation marriage its more fun to hang out with others like us, it requires mindfulness and a spirit of giving back  to come back to the support groups and contribute the happy stories. One person can't do it alone, we need many more positive voices. As someone in a fabulous marriage it feels a little too much like “one time in band camp” If I am the only one posting about our wonderful marriages. I also note that sometimes the happy posts are met with not so supportive replies. Its like touching a hot stove, after a few times we say “I’m not doing that again I'm going where positive stories are more welcome. " When too many people do this all we are left with is the most difficult situations and optimism gets replaced with pessimism.

There is tremendous value in having a diverse range of mixed-orientation marriage support groups

I think some of these older mail list support groups can be very valuable especially because they offer a degree of anonymity that the Facebook groups do not but we need to change their direction to a more supportive positive experience. Anyway if you are reading this and facing challenges I hope you find the support you need. Also speak up, my post is not meant to diminmish the voices of anyone who needs support , thats what we are here for.  Instead I am asking those who can provide a positive voice to also speak up and add to the conversation. If you are reading this and in a wonderful mixed-orientation marriage I hope you will consider spending time on some of the older support groups to see if contributing to a new and more success oriented approach will move the group in a more positive direction. I would be saddened to see these resources fade into oblivion due to the lack of positive messaging. The members need to hear models of success.

Posted 12/9/21 by Mark