Some of the Challenges I Found Writing about Mixed-Orientation Marriages
The biggest challenge I have found writing about mixed-orientation marriage relationship dynamics is the lack of the back and forth in writing that is found naturally with a verbal conversation. The lack of reflexivity inherent in the reading of a book or web page is especially noticeable due to the effect of time. When one reads Mixed Orientation Marriage Pathways to Success the first day after coming out or discovering ones spouse is bisexual some chapters will be very relevant but others are more suitable for those who have processed their situation for some time. When they read those same passages after a year those troubling chapters in the early days may now seem more relevant while the early chapters may fall in the "duh" why is he even writing about this.
When I am talking about mixed-orientation marriage dynamics one on one over coffee or dinner or in a group discussion I can see the facial expressions and hear verbal feedback and judge the relevance of what I said accordingly. In verbal conversation it is easy for me to tell very quickly where someone is at, the problem with a 60 page book is someone might miss the part where I say both have to want to make a MOM work, or a personal counselor is very important or support groups can help or there needs to be compatible belief systems or the relationship dynamics have to be compatible.
In short mixed-orientation marriages dynamics are complicated with a lot of variables that affect the likeliehood of success. This off the top of my head list highlights just some of the most noticable challenges I found in trying to write a book and web site about Mixed-orientation Marriages . This list of challenges is of the subgroup of bisexual husbands married to heterosexual wives.
- There can be differences in dynamics depending upon if the bi spouse discloses their same sex attraction or it is discovered.
- Did we disclose before marriage or was it 5 ,10, 20 30, 50 years later.
- Did we have opportunities to disclose and didn't, how many times? Why?
- Did we act on our same sex attraction? Before we were married? After?
- Did we endanger our wives health , did they actually get a STD, HIV?
- Did we know we were bi or gay when we married or did we just discover it ourselves?
- How long did we know before disclosure or discovery?
- If caught was it simply nude pictures on the computer screen? or did the wife walk in on sex with a guy in the marital bed?
- Then there is the whole blank canvas moment. Did the husband marry the right person even with differing sexualities or has he made a horrible mistake and time to ride off into the sunset and live the gay life?
- Does the wife want to make it work?
- Is there a desire by both the husband and wife to stay married ?
- How strong is the bond ? Are we best friends? Is is this who we love spending our days with?
- What is our conflict resolution style? Are we friends and partners and we will figure this out or bitter enemies with no desire to find common ground?
- How sexual is our spouse and does their level of sexual desire meet our needs and wishes.
- Is there a need for a relationship with a guy sexual or emotional and what are the wifes feelings?
- Does the wife have needs for another relationship and what are the husbands feelings?
- What type of sexual behavior does the husband need to be happy and is the wife OK with that
- What are the views of monogamy , are they fixed , can they be changed?
- Can we be patient while our wives figure this out? Will they figure it out before we run out of patience?
- Can our wives be patient while we figure it out before they run out of patience ?
- This can be a very long process and I know of no way to know what will happen until the process has gone through.
- There is no magic if you do this, this will happen.
- Do we identify as gay, bi or other or still figuring it out? Sexual orientation plays a role but even gay people can be happily married to women and even bi guys may need to be single to live a happy life
- What kind of others do we need in our life?
- Do we want to be out? might that change?
- Do our wives want us out, might that change?
- Who do we want to be out to? Does it make a difference?
- Are we in an environment where we can be out?
- What is the sexual scenario: threesomes, away from home, afternoon delight or gay getaways.
- One special guy or a collection of friends of the moment or Friends with benefits of something else?
- Some wives say play all you want I want to be there some say just don't do it here.
- Then there is do we integrate our bi.gay identities or separate into a parallel universe or some of each?
- Communication styles, who likes to talk about it who doesn't?
- Is there acceptance ? Can that change.
- Silent processors or verbalizer?
- Sharing style, Lots of secrets or overly transparent?
- Does our sharing style match our wives sharing style?
- What are the wifes feelings about gays and bisexuals
- What are the husbands feelings about being gay or bi
The reason I have written what I have with all these challenges is the lack of a positive role model and all the negative voices made me sad. When I came out I was so desperate for an example of How a Mixed-orientation marriage could work. My own personal solution exceeded my wildest dreams ,
Why I write about mixed orientation marriage success...
Most of the research I have seen over the years shows that a majority of mixed-orientation marriages where the husband and wife become aware of the differing sexual orientations later in the relationship don't survive over the long term. If most of these relationships fail , one could legitimately ask why am I here writing about mixed orientation marriage success? My answer is simple; It is because no matter how small the percentage of successful mixed-orientation marriages, the number of couples who may find a workable solution is an unbelievable number of people. There are an estimated one million to two million mixed orientation marriages in the United States alone. Researchers have found the number of marriages that survive difficult to quantify but estimates range from 17% to 30% with some evidence that the percentages could be higher. If only one out of ten of those couples find a pathway to happiness that's one hundred to two hundred thousand.
I believe a better world is created one person at a time. , That is, if just one mixed orientation marriage couple finds a kinder gentler world as a result of the ideas and strategies I write about then my efforts will be worthwhile, when I consider it could be thousands over the years, that is why I am here . I do make it very clear that mixed-orientation relationships are not for everyone. I am here for those who want to make their mixed orientation marriage work. When I first came out I was discouraged by the universal message of there is no hope so don't even bother trying.
I love my wife , she is my best friend and I was desperate to find some positive information about mixed orientation marriage and how to make them a success. When I came out In 2007 I couldn't find very much positive support for our decision to make our mixed orientation marriage work so I decided to try and make it easier for the next couple so here I am. . No matter how few find happiness in their mixed orientation marriage the fact is some couples do , even those who end up divorced can make it a kinder process if they navigate through the process with knowledge and understanding of what’s going on.
Posted by Mark March 9,2019