Understanding challenges to success

In studying the evolution of mixed-orientation marriages, I see a number of recurring challenges to finding our pathway to success. This chapter examines some of these common challenges as well as some reflections on how to resolve them.

 

The importance of time.

Most of us are looking for the answer, today, to how our mixed-orientation marriage is going to end up. But this is a process that requires time and patience. As we learn about the dynamics of a mixed-orientation relationship, we need time to try out what we have learned and time to see whether our emotional understanding can catch up with our intellectual understanding. For example, the straight spouse may come to understand intellectually the bisexual, gay, or lesbian spouse’s need for some “birds of a feather” time, yet remain jealous and fearful emotionally. It takes time to fully realize that these get-togethers are good for the marriage. It is not unusual for it to take a year or more to come to a meeting of the minds toward a workable future. More than once, I have seen a couple separate in the early turmoil only to discover they acted too hastily. Just as people who suffer a loss are advised to wait a year before making major decisions, it can be helpful to allow at least a year for a newly discovered mixed-orientation relationship to have time to develop.

Time management.

We need to set aside time to celebrate our same-sex needs, but we need to find its proper place within our marriage. Whether it’s alone time, time with our spouse, or time with a special friend, every relationship has hot button issues and important customs. For example, a couple may hold Saturday nights as especially important “us” time, so Saturday night is probably not the time to ask to go out with gay friends. Instead, part of our compromise might be Thursday night out with friends. The joy of that time should translate to an even better time with our husband or wife on our regular Saturday night together. As Tristan Taormino said in her 2011 Transcending Boundaries Conference workshop on open relationships, it is important to recognize that an hour doing grocery shopping with one’s spouse on a Tuesday afternoon is not the same as dinner out and dancing on a Saturday night (Taormino 2011).

Communication styles.

Our individual communication styles have a big impact on how we process our mixed-orientation marriages. Some spouses verbalize every thought. Others are internal processors who think but don’t verbalize. Awareness of these variations helps us understand what’s going on. For example, picture the bisexual spouse who starts to second guess their orientation but quietly processes their options before ultimately announcing, “Yup, I’m bi,” Contrast that with one who processes out loud, “Honey, I think I might be bi;” then, the next day, they announce, “No, actually, I think I might be gay,” and a week later, “Never mind, I’m bi.” The internal process was the same, but I’m sure you can imagine the journey for the straight spouse was quite the rollercoaster. There are also issues regarding lack of communication that depend on whether it’s the bi spouse or the straight one who doesn’t want to talk about “it.” In any case, awareness of communications styles will help us understand the process and the nature of what is going on.

Trust.

It is essential that we trust each other as we go through our day-to-day lives. My wife is completely happy about my visits with my bi and gay friends because she trusts me to live within our agreed upon boundaries. Often a person’s same-sex attraction is discovered as a result getting caught in a same-sex situation with another person. In that case, the breach of trust must be dealt with and confidence restored so that the trust issues are in the past.

Religious issues.

Another tremendous challenge to mixed-orientation marriage success is religious teachings about homosexuality. One of the reasons many bisexual, lesbian, and gay spouses ended up in a mixed-orientation marriage to begin with was their church teachings that a gay, lesbian, or bisexual life was not an option. Like society in general, many religions are evolving in their thinking about sexual orientation, but many continue to have teachings at cross-purposes with who we are. First and foremost, the bisexual, lesbian, or gay person needs to reconcile a positive view of self with possible religious conflicts. Virtually every religion now has groups to help with reconciling our gay side with our religion. Sometimes, a change to a more gay-positive church can help. The challenge comes when the gay spouse accepts him or herself, but the straight spouse maintains their moral conviction that being gay, bisexual, or lesbian is wrong. The gay spouse is not going to change;—they can’t—so the only way the conflict is going to be resolved is to arrive at some sort of understanding and acceptance that our partner may not share our beliefs. There are many marriages with mixed religions. They succeed by accepting the differences in religious beliefs. Differences in beliefs about our gay side deserve the same kind of respect.

The Blank Canvas Challenge

Some  gay, lesbian and bisexual partners put their identity development on hold decades earlier when they went into the closet or denied and repressed their same sex feelings. . Once the mixed-orientation nature of the relationship becomes known there can be an opportunity for the bisexual,gay or lesbian partner to examine their life path choices and create a vision for the future. I call this new opportunity of self examination and identity development  the “blank canvas” stage. This can be difficult period for all involved and this period of reflection can manifest itself in a distance, brooding or adolescent self centered behavior of the  gay, lesbian or bisexual spouse  as they look at their blank canvas of life and paint a new picture of who they really are not who others said they must be.

While this process of later in life identity development can be extremely challenging and upsetting for the straight spouse this resumption or revisiting of identity development for the bi, gay, or lesbian spouse is sometimes an important part of the evolution of a mixed-orientation relationships. If the straight spouse wants the bisexual. gay or lesbian partner to be motivated to work to find a pathway to success the bisexual, gay or lesbian spouse must have internalised their desire to make it work. If they themselves don't know if they want a mixed-orientation relationship it's pretty hard to work out a solution. This self examination of “Am I bisexual enough?” does sometimes lead to a desire for something different. As I mention in the bisexual enough chapter even those who identify as 100%gay or lesbian can be bi enough in behavior and desire even if the desire is only emotional to make the marriage work if that is what both the husband and wife desire.

One of the blank canvas outcomes does sometimes include  pronouncements of “Nope I’m gay time to go lead the gay life.” That outcome is just as important as knowing that the bi,gay,lesbian spouse  wants to make it work.  I speak often about the cognitive approach to living. If we can be aware of this blank canvas stage the gay bisexual and lesbian partner can perhaps go out of their way to be kind to their spouse as they go through the process. This awareness also leads to understanding that the straight spouse has their own blank canvas moment too, when the gay , lesbian and bisexual spouse emerges committed to making the marriage work the straight spouse has the opportunity to decide if that's what they want too and if they both agree the work towards a happy rewarding marriage will have the basic motivation to continue. The whole premise of this book is if both a husband and wife want to make their marriages work there are many possible paths to make it so even with the mixed-orientation sexuality.

The challenge with this blank canvas stage is that it often happens right in the middle of a whole list of other relationship challenges which is why awareness of its  impact on mixed-orientation relationship outcomes is something to be considered..

Asexuality and Differing Sexual Desires

Sometimes the degree of sexual desire between a husband and wife are contributing factors to the evolution of mixed-orientation relationship dynamics. I have seen mixed-orientation marriages where the straight spouse is asexual with no interest in sex and I have seen in some of those cases where a bisexual, gay or lesbian partner makes a perfect partner for an asexual husband or wife. Just as sexual orientation, gender identity, and degrees of monogamy fall on a continuum so too does our sexual desire. While for some of us our sex drive is very high, there are others where it can be quite low. Until recently the societal message was everyone has to like sex and asexuality was not something that a married person typicaly advocated for themselves. With greater acceptance of bisexual, gay and lesbian identities there is also greater acceptance of the individual nature of sexual desire and asexuality has become a more accepted aspect of the diverse nature of human sexuality.  Asexuality also appears to be part of the  fluid throughout lifetimes nature of human sexuality. Sometimes people just become comfortable with their individual sexuality, whether its bisexuality or  asexuality as they get older.

To be clear there are some marriages that have lost sexual intimacy due to the influences of same sex attraction of the bi,gay or lesbian spouse but on others it can also be attributed to a lack of interest in sex by the straight spouse. When this happens the traditional societal model is I dont want sex and because of the societal model of monogamy for married couples you cant have sex either.  This can create  an "Ive been thinking" moment by the bi,gay lesbian spouse and more than once I have seen  emerging asexuality by one spouse bring on a discussion of same sex needs by the other.

My anecdotal observation from talking to mixed-orientation  couples is that some gay or bisexual men tend to be kinder gentler about their sexuality and simply treat sex differently with women. Often times that gentleness is what attracts a woman to marry  a gay husband to begin with. I sometimes hear of a women describing how they only had sex with their gay boyfriend if the woman initiated it. It is not uncommon to hear a wife in a mixed-orientation marriage say "He wasnt pushing me to have sex like the other guys  and I liked that about him" . When one thinks about it , this is a better situation for an asexual then the  I want sex everyday all day presentation by some men.

The point I'm making is there is sometimes an underlying reason why the mixed-orientation marriage or relationship  came to be in the first place and sometimes it is because the  gay spouses lack of sexual desire for their opposite gender spouse  matched the straight spouses lack of interest in sex in general.  Of course there  is a little bit of which came first. Is the straight spouse not being sexual because they are asexual or  are they not being sexual because they gave up because of a lack of desire by the non-straight spouse. Both situations happen , each couple needs to examine their own situation to see if they can determine if asexuality is a component of their mixed-orientation marriage.

If it turns out asexuality is a component of the relationship then during the couples discussions  perhaps it is OK to say "You know what I don't like sex anyway perhaps we can have a fabulous marriage with all the good things we have and you can get your sexual satisfaction and same sex needs met in other ways"    It can be a win win but requires looking at a relationship style that can be more complicated and outside the societal box. All the issues raised in the other chapters on monogamy and open relationships apply in this case too but it is important to be aware of the dynamics created when there are different sexual needs of all types.

Talking about Sexuality

I have found a surprising number couples in spite of spending years together never really get comfortable with  talking about their sexuality. Some couples fall into the sex only with the lights off missionary position routine . Like so many things we learn about mixed-orientation relationships I found I could learn to have a sex positive outlook about our sexuality and I have become as comfortable talking about my sexuality as any other interest but that com fort only came after mindfulness and practice.  Communication about sexual preferences and what we enjoy can help find shared pleasures and a better understanding of our partners. I have heard a number of success stories where couples have renewed and refreshed sexuality within their marriages. Some couples describe the best sex in years in the period after coming out. This is often referred to as the honeymoon phase and enough couples experience it that I’d say it's a thing to be aware of and look to nurture it, have some fun. I have found these discussions work best when we look to build bridges to common interests and when there are differences look to see if there is a way to share in them or perhaps just leave it at “that sounds nice but it’s not my thing”

 Sexual Health and Sexualy Transmitted Infections 

In mixed-orientation relationships where there is more than one sexual partner it is important to learn to discuss safer sex practices , STI’s (sexually transmitted infections ), and proactive sexual health. It is beyond the scope of this book to talk in detail about STI’s but it should be understood just as we all get colds we all can get an STI and some STI's  are more serious than others. HIV and STI’s do not know looks, or famous or how educated one is. Regular sexual health screenings should be part of every sexually active persons health management. Far too many primary care physicians and family practitioners do not ask or offer STI/HIV testing to their married patients because of false assumptions. That’s slowly changing but if you don't ask to be tested they may well not offer. I personally feel that our personal physician needs to know about our sexuality so they can make informed medical decisions but for variety of reasons coming out to one's physician has many of the same concerns and fears as coming out to anyone else in our life.

Another option to consider, whether you are out to your physician or not , is your local family planning and sexual health clinic. I have found them to be best equipped to offer testing and sexual health counseling in a caring, compassionate , and confidential setting. First of all that is what they do so they are really comfortable talking about sexuality and sexual practices, Anyone who has searched the internet knows that there is often conflicting information about what is safe and what is not so talking with a professional in person with the benefit of understanding your personal situation can be very helpful.

Finally there are also online testing companies,you order and pay online , print out the lab requisition and visit the designated  local blood lab just like you do with your regular lab work . No matter what option one chooses it is important for anyone who is sexually active to learn to talk about how they're managing their sexual health and that of their partners, When a marriage has some sort of open relationship one needs to be mindful that it is not just about risks for oneself they must also consider the potential health risks for their partners. Part of that discussion about risks should be if condoms should be reintroduced to the marriages sexuality. There are many compromises that are made to make a mixed-orientation marriage the best it can be and this is one that may just make it work better .

 

Keeping the happy in happy holidays and special events.

Many of the challenges to mixed-orientation marriage success revolve around interpersonal relationship dynamics and time management. Challenges definitely seem to increase during the holidays and other special events. Whether we celebrate our same-sex attraction monogamously or with a friend or partner, holidays and special events disrupt our family routine.

In some cases, these daily routines are carefully crafted to allow some time for the bisexual spouse to fill their same sex needs while at the same time keeping the straight spouse happy. The stresses of the holidays often leave everyone out of sync. More time at home visiting family and increased expectations can mean a full court press for others, which can leave both the bi and straight spouse feeling that their own personal needs are not being met. These challenges become easier to deal with when we are aware of the dynamics involved and improve our communication. Sort of a “Whoa, I know what’s happening here.” Examples of the stresses that I hear from others include bisexual men who are monogamous and who rely on private masturbation time for their gay fantasies or gay porn. However, a house full of visitors or a spouse home on vacation means no alone time for the gay spouse. For couples whose gay-time solution is this alone time, it is important to communicate how that’s going to happen. A straight spouse who says, “I’m going out shopping with the kids and won’t be back for at least an hour, wink, wink, nod,” provides a tremendous gift to the bi spouse struggling for some alone time. Of course, it’s important for the gay or bi spouse to return the favor, even if the other spouse just wants to sit and read a book and have a quiet hour. We all need some alone time, however we spend it.

For some mixed-orientation marriages, there is an outside gay friend or partner, and it is important to understand the changes that occur in those relationship dynamics during the holidays. Family obligations increase, so that regular weekly visit might not happen, and even the regular phone calls may have to be put on hold. All involved need to be aware that this is a special situation and that, if handled correctly, all will soon return to normal. Our families and spouses should be our priority. In our day-to-day lives, we work out ways to make it so while also having enough time to visit our gay friend and partner. But with special events, time often just becomes too short. The point is that, if we are aware of the dynamics, we can understand what’s going on and work around it. The bi or gay spouse can assure their gay friend or partner that, in a week, the household will be back to normal and our special time will return.

Of course, we need to accommodate our gay friend’s or partner’s unique needs as well. If they are busy with their own family holiday traditions, it is easier for them to adjust if they are simply aware of what’s going on. If, however, you are your friend’s or partner’s day-to-day support, then it is important to work them into the holidays as well. Such accommodations are an expected part of this type of relationship.

The straight spouse can help by reassuring, “Yeah, I know it’s crazy around here, but the kids will be back in school in a few weeks, I’ll be back to work, and our routine will get back to normal.” This simple recognition that our bi/gay life is not’t over will go a long ways toward keeping our mixed-orientation marriages fabulous. This is also a great time for the bi/gay spouse to be aware of their spouse’s extra needs and perhaps skip that gay night out if it falls two days before a family celebration. At the very least, make sure the straight spouse is sincerely insisting you go anyway.

Clarity about the situation and good communication benefit both the straight and the bi/gay spouses. By recognizing what’s going on, we eliminate resentment, and the bi/gay spouse happily provides the extra love and support around the home knowing that it’s a special occasion. Further, the straight spouse gets the extra help and support they need. With the assurance that things will return to a more balanced situation after the holidays or special event, a better time is had by all. This success all goes back to its not being the events that cause upsets, but our reaction to them.

When things start to go wrong.

While most of our book is about making mixed-orientation marriages work, sometimes despite our best efforts, one or both partners can’t see a path to relationship success, and the relationship becomes extremely difficult. I hope that those whose lives seem to be falling apart might gain some insight and understanding about what might be going on. One common issue is understanding how important acceptance of the bisexual, gay, or lesbian partner is. I am not talking about acceptance of sexual activity; I am talking about acceptance of who we are, acceptance of our core identity. When I came out, I was done with the shame. I finally accepted myself as the person God created me to be. It is essential to me that those I love also accept that.

When things go wrong, it is often because the line in the sand does not’t budge toward acceptance of this basic bi, gay, or lesbian identity. The other thing I often see is that the bi, gay, or lesbian spouse is not willing to be patient while the mixed-orientation marriage evolves and the partners catch up with each other. However, a mixed-orientation marriage can only move forward at the speed of the slower spouse. Often, when we see a mixed-orientation marriage explode, it is due to one-sided ultimatums. The husband might say, “I’m having sex with men, and there is nothing you can do about it,” or the wife might say, “My girlfriend is moving in, and you can sleep in the basement.” Or the straight spouse might say, “You may not even think about being gay. No support groups, no friends, you just get that silly thought out of your head.” This is not working together as partners and lovers who want to make a marriage work. It is important to note that our being bi, gay, or lesbian is just one aspect of who we are. If a spouse already has anger issues or is already abusive, that’s not going to change just because they are now out or in a mixed-orientation marriage.

So a question that is often asked is, ”Why is this person I once loved behaving like a monster?” I’ll start with the gay spouse. First, many people who have repressed who they are stopped their personal growth when they went into the closet. So a sixty-year-old gay husband who just came out feels like a raging adolescent with a lot of experiences to make up for. That explains but certainly does not justify the impulsive and even crazy behavior we so often see and hear about.

Often, when a mixed-orientation relationship starts to go sour, there is a ton of pent up anger and plain old meanness. Once either the straight spouse or the gay spouse decides to leave the marriage, sometimes they act out by poisoning the nest. They make living together so horrible that, instead of guilt, the response to separation or divorce becomes “Thank goodness I am free from that monster.”

Once we recognize what is going on, at least there can be understanding about why things changed so much so fast. I often find the marriage begins to unravel when there is a disagreement regarding where that magical line in the sand of mutual happiness is. When two people disagree, it is far better to seek common ground than to dig in the heels and say, ”Never, never, never.” Two people who love each other as partners and friends can instead say, “You know what, today, this is what I need, and will you do that for me?” Someone has to give, for that to happen. When you really think about it, how hard is it to do something for someone you love just for today? I have found that a willingness to let time pass as things are worked out helps get past these rough spots. If one spouse says, “It is over, I am not compromising, I am not moving one inch, why bother trying,” that does not’t bode well for future success.

This is a book about success, but not every relationship can survive having a gay, lesbian, or bisexual spouse. I think it is worth moving mountains to make it work, but sometimes it just is not’t meant to be. When that happens, it is essential to recognize that our sexual orientation just is. It is not something someone is doing to you out of malice. In fact, more often than not, the gay spouse is just as much a victim as the straight spouse. Perhaps the pastor at church said too many times, “Pray away the gay; you can do it,” or Mom and Dad said too many times, “Of course you will get married (to a member of the opposite sex) and have two kids and two cats in the window,” or “You are not going to be one of those people in sissy pants under my watch.” Many of us were raised that being gay, bisexual, or lesbian was not an option, and we are told we had to be like everyone else, so no one can fault us for believing it was true. Most of us find out that the idea of making a gay, bisexual, or lesbian person straight is one of the cruelest hoaxes mankind has ever perpetrated.

A marriage that ends due to its mixed orientation is ending for a very different reason than a simple issue like an affair. In a perfect world, acceptance and understanding will come sooner rather than later. It is much easier if couples wind up their affairs and end the marriage in a mature adult fashion. The children especially will thank you. Believe me, I know this isn’t easy, so I highly recommend professional counseling from one who understands the dynamics of mixed-orientation marriages. I get the sense there is a huge up-tick in newly discovered mixed-orientation marriages, and some are not going as well as they could, I hope this at least sheds some light on what might be going on.

What I really hope is that couples will take one last look at making their marriages work. Maybe someone can blink, and maybe they can step back from the abyss and make it work after all. My writings are for those who can find common ground, for those who dont see that path there are other resources to help them move forward. That is what this book is really about the I'm happy, you are happy, we are happy solution, but if we cant  make the marriage fabulous, we owe it to ourselves to make our lives fabulous, and that goes for both the gay and the straight spouses. There is a reason why the majority of marriages dont survive the mixed-orientation relationship dynamic, they are complicated with a lot of moving parts, my writings are for those who have the kind of relationship where a MOM can work. It is very much a take what you can use and leave behind the rest resource.

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