Mixed-Orientation Marriage Pathways to Success

Same Sex Sex…

Finding sexual satisfaction in mixed-orientation relationships.

One of the issues to be resolved in mixed-orientation relationships is the sexual needs of the partners. One study on successful mixed-orientation marriages found that, in addition to acceptance of the gay spouse, it was also important for the couple find an outlet to satisfy the same-sex attraction (Ben-Ari, 2010). The difficulty comes in defining what is acceptable to both the straight and bisexual, gay, or lesbian spouse to satisfy same-sex needs. Each person is different, and each couple’s relationship dynamic is different. It is hard to get past the dichotomy of no gay sex at all versus wild, anything-goes orgies. Very often, a solution that can keep everyone happy is found somewhere in between.

Although, ideally, as individuals we should choose our own relationship styles and practice our sexuality in ways that satisfies us, the reality in a mixed-orientation marriage is that we must include our straight spouse’s feelings in any attempted solution. This will usually require compromise and an effort to find common ground. As the previous chapter on monogamy highlights It is important to realize that, as the new relationship dynamic of the mixed-orientation marriage matures, there may well be adjustments regarding what is acceptable to the couple.

The evolution of healthy relationship dynamics in a mixed-orientation relationship is a process that takes time because it is a rare mixed-orientation marriage that has a total understanding of how the sexual dynamics will be resolved in the early days. Some aspects of our mixed-orientation marriages can get pretty heavy, and discussions on same-sex sexual satisfaction exacerbate that the difficulties, so seeking help from professional counselors trained in mixed-orientation marriages can really help with finding pathways to success. Some couples have been helped by a counselor who is also a certified sex therapist because they tend to have broad experience with various relationship styles.

Keeping a journal to help get our thoughts in order as well as to see which needs are most important to us can also be very helpful. It is very satisfying to see an item on the “I wish I could….” list become “I am so happy I can… ” in the ways we satisfy our needs list. Often a straight spouse will have an intellectual understanding of a solution but emotionally is not ready. A journal can help see progress over time or perhaps see a need to take a step back and wait for our emotions to catch up. Sometimes, the bi, gay, or lesbian spouse thinks they want something but discovers it is not realistic and on their own step back from what could have been an area of disagreement. This all helps self-awareness of our own relationship, which is important to finding a solution.

Monogamy, open marriage, or something in between.

Everywhere we look, society tries to pigeon hole our lives into binary absolutes. Perhaps the most devastating binary thinking in a mixed-orientation marriage is the whole monogamous vs. open marriage debate. Bisexuals learned a long time ago that our world is more than just on/off, white/black, gay/straight, or male/female. There are rainbows, bisexuals, and dimmers to allow any level of light you want. One of the most frequent issues is the line in the sand where the straight spouse shouts from the hills, “Monogamy for me and you, and that means there must only be me in thought, word, and deed.” The fear expressed by many mixed-orientation couples is that the only other option is an open marriage. The monogamy versus open marriage perspective is locked in binary thinking, and we do not live in that world.

Because we have stepped away from the way everyone else is doing marriage, many mixed-orientation couples find it difficult to find relationship models that meet their needs. We have identified the problem, but many couples just want it to go away because it all seems too hard to deal with. The problem is that we are often driven to find some sort of path to happiness, and for many, that requires finding a way to satisfy our same-sex needs. Each of us is different, and each of us needs to find our own way for personal fulfillment and happiness. Despite these needs, many of us want our wife or husband to be part of our lives even as we search for that solution.

When we have a binary either–or choice of monogamy, you stay, versus open marriage, get out, the lines in the sand are dug in, and something has to give. The typical newly discovered mixed-orientation marriage has a narrow binary vision of the choices. Monogamy exists in which even lusting in one’s head violates the sanctity of marriage and the open marriage option often consists of visions of  being out all night screwing anything that moves. I do not believe a successful mixed-orientation marriage is likely to work with either of these extreme solutions.

We should look somewhere between the binary absolutes of monogamy and the anything goes vision of open marriage. Let’s not describe our solution in terms of these loaded either–or binary words. In my experience, the baby steps of acceptance and growth require our solution to be defined in broader intellectual terms. I have found it helps to define our needs in specific behavioral terms. For example, birds of a feather enjoy “Me too” and “I understand,” and we all need friends. Having a bisexual, gay, or lesbian friend is a way to let our gay side out to play, with no harm to our relationship. Play in this case has nothing to do with sex; it means a chance to simply be bisexual, gay, or lesbian. It’s who we are, not what we do.

When I come back from a visit with a friend who understands what it means to be married and gay or bi, I feel good about myself. I am happier, and I come home with a skip in my step. That happiness translates to easier expressions of love to my wife. It doesn’t matter if it’s a sewing group or a game of golf with friends, our independent activities bring us happiness and make for vibrant enthusiastic lives that we can bring home and share in our marriages. What about dinner out with gay friends changes any of that? I venture to say, nothing. You need to experience this toward acceptance for yourself, and there is no way around it, this is a process that requires baby steps. It takes two steps forward and one back, and you absolutely can’t today say, “I need to be at point B tomorrow.” The only requirement for success is each husband and wife has to want to make it work and then do what do they need to do today so they can both be happy, only today. Time and time again, I have seen attitudes change for the better as each day goes by. Will it work for everyone? No. I have seen couples where the absolute best thing they could do is to simply move on because the differences were too great.
In the early days after coming out, bisexual and gay married men tell me one of their greatest needs is for like-minded friends they can talk to. Is having a friend with whom we can share what it’s like to live with same-sex attraction really going to cause the downfall of our marriage? I doubt it. In my research, time and time again, I see that one of the keys to a successful mixed-orientation marriage is acceptance of the gay/bi/lesbian spouse’s sexuality along with some way to satisfy that sexuality. Rather than get caught up in words like monogamy and open marriage that have loaded preconceived baggage, it is far better to discuss the actual relationship dynamics. “Honey, I need to have a male friend I can visit every few weeks to share how much we love our wives even as we are sexually attracted to men.” This is far different from moving in with a guy and coming home for dinner every other Saturday night.

My number one priority is my wife’s happiness, but it turns out she is happier if I am happy. I am happiest when I can celebrate who I am as a bisexual by having bisexual, gay, and lesbian friends who understand what this all means while still being with my wife, who is my best friend, the love of my life, and my soul mate. It also turns out that bisexuals can celebrate their bisexuality in many ways that are sexual but that remain acceptable to the straight partner. The greatest gift a wife can give a bisexual husband is the opportunity to find that happy point on their own. There is no resentment, no sorrow nor brooding about an unfulfilled life. The life the couple leads is built on mutual respect and love for each other.

I know from talking with others that we all have different needs and different levels of day-to-day expression of our same sex needs. Rather than live in fear, why not see if that happy middle ground can be found. There is a whole spectrum of needs and many ways to satisfy them. Something as simple as occasionally being able to masturbate to gay porn openly and without shame is enough to satisfy some men. I know others who simply enjoy hanging out naked with their male friends; nudity is not sex but it certainly can be sexual. It is a harmless way to celebrate one’s gay side, it may not be all the gay spouse needs, but it is a far cry from denying that the gay side even exists. Some spouses agree that  mutual masturbation with a friend  is a fun way to celebrate same-sex attraction; still others say they don’t have a problem with oral sex, but anal sex is just yucky. What if the bi/gay spouse has no interest anal sex, which happens way more often than straight people think? Well, all of a sudden, that same-sex sexual expression has become a non-issue. Simply discussing anal sex can often calm fears. Agreeing to bare backing (anal sex without a condom) in a rest area with a random stranger is not the same as safer protected sex with a long-term partner. Without acceptance and without a pathway to celebrate who we are, we are sentenced to a prison for doing nothing more than being the person we were born as. The key is to find mutually agreeable ways to be free from that prison that keep everyone happy.

I totally get that it would have been better if this discussion had happened before we were married, but a homophobic and bi-phobic society that says there is no place for people who are gay or bisexual made many of us believe it was a choice with only one answer. It turns out, society was wrong, and now we need to make the best of its mistake. At the end of the day, the gay spouse has suffered for a lifetime, and it is worth trying to find some happy middle ground so everyone can live happy, self-actualized lives. Let’s find that point without using binary words or thinking that do nothing but keep us apart from the ones we love.

I do have one caveat, and that is the more extreme and fixed our thinking is, the less likely a happy compromise can be found. A mixed-orientation marriage needs both partners to be happy with the solution, so stuffing one partner into a monogamous box they don’t belong or wish to be in is not a pathway to success. Be sure you are true to yourselves in choosing the best solution. It’s okay if it takes a few years, but the ultimate goal needs to be a pathway to success. Depending upon the bi spouse’s needs, needs that only they know, wonderful mixed-orientation marriages take on every imaginable dynamic.

Sexuality in Monogamous Mixed Orientation Relationships
Even monogamous marriages without outside same sex partners can find sexual satisfaction that meets some same sex needs needs. Fantasy, role play, pornography, sex toys, and masturbation are all valuable tools to satisfy this need. Let me say that addiction to pornography is a problem for some, and the use of pornography is best left for those who do not have this issue. Masturbation is a common way for couples to balance their sexual needs. Even in heterosexual marriages, one partner often wants to have sex more often than the other, and masturbation is a way to bring those needs into balance. Masturbation is also a great way for the bisexual to celebrate his or her same sex needs. The difference between masturbation time before coming out and open masturbation in a mixed-orientation marriage when bisexuals are out to their spouses is that the bi, gay, or lesbian spouse can openly celebrate their same sex sexual needs without shame. It is a huge relief for a husband to to simply say, “Of course it is gay fantasy or a gay video, after all I AM sexually attracted to men.” Couples can discuss setting aside this alone time, which reduces resentment. No spouse wants to be all ready for sex only to find out their spouse is already satisfied because they just finished a leisurely masturbation session all alone. It is funny in the movies, but not so much at home. Communication goes a long way toward eliminating resentment. In some cases, there is still a level of guilt associated with masturbation and celebrating our gay side, so the straight spouse can do their bi partner a huge favor by showing acceptance and actually enabling them to have this private time.

It is important to realize that playing together is also an option, either with sex toys or role playing. There are sex toy penises that feel just like the real thing; it all depends on your imagination and the extent that role play can satisfy the same-sex need. Please realize this type of role play is not for everyone. Some feel self-conscious or just plain don’t enjoy it. Sometimes, it’s the straight spouse who says you can be gay all you want, just don’t make me do it. Wives who like oral or anal sex are in a position to enhance the role-playing aspect of the gay sexuality. Again this is enough for some, whereas others need the real thing from a same-sex partner. That is part of the individual nature of our same-sex needs. It is important to realize that there are wide variations of how men and women want to celebrate their same sex needs. Some are very visual, some are very touch oriented, some are into the rawness of it all, and others want a more tender touch. Each couple needs to discover for themselves what works and what does not. Again, we are seeking mutual happiness. If the idea of using a sex toy is a total turn off to a straight spouse, then that’s the way it is, just as some people don’t like oral sex. It is something we need to accept about our sexual preferences. Interestingly, gay men seem much more accustomed to spelling out what they like with their male partners. There are bottoms, tops, and versatiles and those who don’t want anything to do with anal sex. Some just like oral sex, and some could care less about it. Communication about each other’s likes and turnoffs can go a long way toward making things better in the bedroom.

Sometimes the straight spouse is all for some play with sex toys, but the bi spouse is not interested. The straight spouse should not take this personally. Again, the social stigma about same sex sex can be so strong that, even after coming out, there is a level of embarrassment about it. I suspect this embarrassment and social stigma is a contributing factor to men who seek anonymous sex hookups. As you can see in my frank discussion, a couple who wants to keep the bisexual spouse happy within the marriage must have excellent communication skills and be willing to try new things to see what works.

A question I get asked often is how I know whether this will be enough to satisfy the bisexual, gay, or lesbian spouse. You won’t until you try it. A mixed-orientation marriage with no outside sexuality is a common framework in the early days, whether it remains that way or eventually ends up with some sort of freedom to have relationships with others. It is important to realize that you need to go through the process. Many straight spouses gain increased understanding of their gay spouses’ needs, and often a compromise can be reached that makes everyone happy. Again, I strongly discourage the use of words like monogamy and open marriage and instead encourage talk about behaviors. Is skinny dipping in a pond with other guys ok in a monogamous marriage? In some marriages it is, while others may not think so. Some categorize a massage or sharing the experience of masturbation as OK in a monogamous relationship. It is the behaviors that one needs to be comfortable with, not just some word that has a whole range of meanings. Remember the president who didn’t think oral sex was sex? I advocate that those in mixed-orientation marriages discuss definitions ahead of time. So long as boundaries are established and agreements are made about what is acceptable behavior and what isn’t, many mixed-orientation marriages can find pathways to success.

Again, there are many ways to make mixed-orientation marriages work. Some people require some sort of same-sex satisfaction with a same-sex relationship, which might involve a friend with benefits, a closed loop relationship, or a polyamorous partnership in which two become three, four, or even more. Some need nothing more than a loving spouse to share some fantasy time. A mixed-orientation marriage can also work with no outside partners, if that is what the partners in the marriage truly want for each other.
Coming up with a solution for meeting same-sex needs will depend on both spouses’ attitudes toward sexuality and relationship dynamics. When there is a need for outside same-sex satisfaction, there are a wide variety of ways for that to happen. Some are okay with their spouse’s having a friend with benefits. Sometimes, the friend becomes integrated into the couple’s lives, and other times, the two relationships are kept separate. A common solution is a closed loop relationship, which you will often see described on the support forums as a CLR. In theory, a closed loop relationship is formed by two married couples, where the husbands and wives are exclusive sexually with each other, and the bi, gay, lesbian spouses are exclusive with each other. The theory behind a CLR is it is safer than random hookups. A CLR requires a great deal of trust in the behavior of others.

If a decision is made to add another person for same-sex satisfaction to a relationship, a whole list of issues need to be discussed. I address some of these issues in the chapters that follow. To couples who are considering opening the relationship, I highly recommend Tristan Taormino’s book Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships. In all cases, our pathway to success needs to be found with loving care as partners look for ways that make everyone happy and satisfied with the outcome.

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